Sometimes I feel like a split personality.
Some days, I’m an extrovert and I get lots of energy from the people around me. Some days I’m an introvert and I can’t WAIT until I can hide away from everyone for an hour, a day, a week. And then, on particularly challenging days, I can flip-flop in a matter of hours – even minutes.
Some days I love my job – the leadership energy required to energize and direct a national team, the opportunity to talk to so many different people in so many different places, the creativity of figuring out the best way to communicate, to educate, to fundraise. And then some days I hate my job and all of the energy it takes and I want nothing better than to just hide in my little basement studio writing, painting, dreaming.
Some days I long to be a true urbanite, hanging out in a funky apartment in downtown New York or Toronto, eating at trendy restaurants, attending all the latest plays and art exhibits. And then some days (or even on the SAME day), I long to hide out in a little seaside cabin far from the hustle and bustle of the city.
Sometimes I think my greatest strength and interest is in writing. Other days I want to put more energy into photography. Still other days (or hours), I think I should focus on leadership, or art, or facilitating workshops, or…. oh the list is endless.
I’ve never fit any categories very cleanly. It’s hard to put me in a box. I’ve done oodles of personality tests, and almost every time, I end up different from the last time I did a similar test. There are some things that are fairly constant (like the fact that I suck at maintaining and organizing details), but I can flip-flop on many of the categories (especially introvert/extrovert).
I’ve done the True Colours assessment several times (and have taught it a few times too, so I know it quite intimately – it’s one of my favourites), and mostly I come out as an orange (innovator), but once I actually came out with three colours – orange, blue (relational),and green (scientist), exactly equal. (‘Course I’m ALWAYS low on gold – the details oriented organizer.) I’ve also done lots of leadership style tests, and they always show different or confusing results too.
It’s been a little frustrating, this difficulty in pegging who I am. I find myself envying those people who can so clearly say “I am XYZ and I know that I am motivated by ABC,” and in my moments of weakness I think “what the heck is wrong with me that I just can’t seem to figure myself out?” Trust me, it’s not for lack of trying – I’ve read lots of books, taken lots of personality type tests. I keep thinking I’ll be more successful at living a full and satisfied life if I figure it out and work to my strengths.
But here’s the thing – one of the other messages I’ve heard from more than one manager is that both my greatest strengths and my greatest flaws are two sides of the SAME COIN – my ability to see both sides of an argument, my tendency to be able to weigh both pros and cons, my ability to come up with lots of good – and often incompatible – ideas, and (too often) the resulting difficulty in making firm decisions I (and my team) can live with.
I’ve been reading some interesting stuff about the concept of “scanners” (people who have so many different interests that they have difficulty settling on just one), and you know what? I FINALLY found something that defines me a little more closely. I am a scanner. And then I was listening to something online about the different types of Wealth Dynamics (ugh – HATE that name) profiles, and heard about the “creator” (someone who is half-way between introvert and extrovert and who is better at coming up with good ideas than implementing them), and again, I felt like there was something that made sense. I’m a HALF-WAY person! Neither one Meyers Briggs type nor the other, but a unique blend of both!
Now – I know that these are just made up names, and ultimately, the categories don’t really matter, but after all these years of wondering why I didn’t fit (like a square peg in a round hole), I’m beginning to realize that my NOT FITTING is what gives me uniqueness, beauty, and strength.
Welcome to the club. Here we are all ‘normal’. The strange are those that have known since birth what they want to be, do and have. You’ll love Barbara Sher’s book(s)!
Sandy! I just noticed your comment and saw the Barbara Sher rec. As you’ll see if you look at my comment, I’m reading one of hers right now.
Sandy, yeah, like I said on Twitter, it makes me wonder if bloggers are disproportionately misfits/scanners!
Lately I have been in love with the book My Many Colored Days by our favorite Dr. Suess and read it to my kids every chance I get. I realize now it’s all about our many colored lives and how vividly they glow.
Victoria – I have never seen that Dr. Suess book, but I just looked it up on Amazon and I WANT IT!
That book is the best. When my kids “outgrew” it, I kept it for myself. If nothing else it’s a visual feast!
You know, I bet there’s more of us around than you can imagine. I’ve always had the same “problem” of having “too many interests” and I could never decide on just one thing to do for either work or for leisure. Consequently I’ve rarely felt like I had it together because everyone else seemed to know exactly what they were going to do and just did it. Now I wonder if they’re scanners, too, and are just sticking to one thing because the ubiquitous “they” are telling them they should? Hmm…
Dovelily – maybe you’re right and there are more of us than I thought. But at the same time, I know SO many people who seem so much more focused than I am.
You’ve managed to encourage me. I’ve felt this way many times. That I really couldn’t define myself easily. And how I can switch to a hole in the wall from being mid party girl in mid sentence.
Pamela – glad I could encourage you. 🙂 And switching from hole in the wall to party girl in mid sentence? Oh yeah, I’ve been there!
woohoo! now here is a post i can relate too. I am such a creator and scanner. I think of it as eternal brainstorming on a good day and flaky disorganization or bad ones. I so relate to how you feel H., thanks for sharing those links, I am so excited to check them out!
i swear, a little *ding* just went off in my brain. I love that!
Leel – I knew we had something in common! Welcome to the club! Perhaps we should start “misfits anonymous”! 🙂
i could fly my misfits freak flag with you for sure! 🙂
get forming that group. we may be disorganized but we sure will be a fiercely ambitious bunch!
love it!
Oh, good. I finally have a classification!
Synchronicity moment: I just found your Tweet on this and this afternoon while I was waiting to pick my son up, I remembered a conversation I had with my father years ago. When he enlisted in the Navy he had to take a battery of tests, and the recruiter said he scored so high in so many different disciplines that he’d be a great success at what he ended up doing for a living — if he ever figured out what that was.
“I’m 58 years old and I’m still searching,” he told me that day; this, despite the fact that he’d had a quite-successful radio career and genuinely loved going to work most days.
What prompted the memory: the fact I was reading Barbara Sher’s I Could Do Anything If I Knew What It Was.
I’m glad to be in such good company! (For what it’s worth, part of me wants to live in a hobbit hole, while another wants to live in a loft close to downtown.)
Linnea – your dad sounds like he’s one of our tribe! And you too! I’m so glad to be in such great company!
I took geography at university, which is almost a blend of other subjects with more of a spatial twist. You can do historical geography, political geography, urban, recreational, physical and what have you. That and everything else indicates to me that I’m basically a scanner. Thanks for the term. But I’m always an introvert.
I think everything you said is a good thing! especially the ability to see both sides of an issue – that’s totally a strength. Can you imagine how boring life would be if you always knew what to do and only did the thing you were good at? I think most people feel like this to some extent – there are very few that know what they want from the get-go and stick with it. I’m a lot like this (right in the middle of introvert/extrovert on Myers Briggs), I always wanted to figure out my “passion” and go for it but it’s just not that simple for most people.
I’m switching web sites now, I’ve got two books to order…
oh, Heather – this post resonates with me SO much! This not quite fitting in to one category is why I’ve chosen the Square-Peg “classification” -lol – it’s not about not being able to connect w/people, but not being able to FIT just-so into any prepackaged classification.
And I TRULY believe that those of us who readily adopt the Square-Peg classification system (i.e. NO particular category) have got something good going on. Like you said: “NOT FITTING is what gives me uniqueness, beauty, and strength”.
That being said, I love Myers Briggs and any system that helps us get our minds around how we think/feel, etc. – but then it’s fun to toss it all in the air and be SP (uncategorizable). Wow, I sound like a chaos freak – lol.
Thanks for helping me think about all this (not that you can tell I’ve thought anything through by the above ramblings – lol ) – wonderful, wonderful!!
I’m a scanner, too, and as a result I have found life to be way too interesting to spend too much time focusing on what I am and what I’m not. When I focus outwardly I get way more satisfaction out of life. (I guess the sorts of things I post on my blog and Facebook bear that out!)
Aagh! I’m a scanner! You have finally defined me. Must read some Barbara Sher.
How good it is to see there’s a name for me…scanner. It gives me comfort to know that I’m not alone. I love having so many interests, but jumping from one thing to another doesn’t help me excel in anything. Wonder if Barbara Sher’s book will help.
ah, yes, the personality test. I always seem to turn up as the one who ‘doesn’t fit”. I figure that I’m the type that has no type…
I like the way you’ve come to peace with your pieces.
On the Meyers-Briggs, I’m just 1 point into introvert, and that is a change from earlier in life. I used to test as an E. I like their distinction between E and I, related to how you recharge yourself. Extroverts recharge among a lot of people; introverts must withdraw to quiet, meditation, etc. In that respect, I am a complete introvert, yet as one friend put it, “You’re awfully extroverted for an introvert!” Like you, I live somewhere in the middle, right on the fence. While I always recharge like an introvert, I seem to need a lot of people contact followed by just as much alone time in alternating waves. I think this is perfect for my vocation as a writer. Writing takes a lot of alone time, yet it takes a lot of “being out there” for marketing and for getting the life experiences a person needs to have something to write about.
I relate to the concept of being a creator. I’ve often said that if I could somehow monetize my many ideas that I don’t have the time, energy or interest to take to fruition, I’d be a zillionaire!
Thanks for this thoughtful post. People are just too complex to put into convenient boxes.