Here’s the thing… Sophia won’t leave me alone.

She’s like a kid who won’t stop begging and pleading and stomping her foot until she gets a big red lollipop. But she’s not just an annoying neighbourhood kid who goes home at the end of the day – OH NO – that would be too easy. SHE HAS MOVED IN AND IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE! She doesn’t just want lollipops, she wants everything I’ve got to give!

No, I haven’t mysteriously given birth to a fourth daughter named Sophia, and yet it sure FEELS like this is something that is being birthed in me.

A few months ago, I shared an epiphany about how I felt called into a new space, a new vocation… something I tentatively called “Sophia Leadership”. It was based on a pretty strong sense that what the world desperately needs right now is a whole lot of people (women and men) who will step forward in courage and trust their feminine, spiritual wisdom. I believe that this wisdom can shift the course of leadership and help the world move in a direction toward light and hope instead of darkness and despair.

I believe all of these things, but… a whole lot of doubt and fear keeps drawing me away from that beautiful epiphany. Even though I finally took a BIG step and moved away from my full time job with the intention of more fully committing myself to writing, teaching, and consulting, there was still a huge piece of me that thought “I have to be practical. I have to pay the bills. I don’t have enough skills for this work yet. I won’t find work in Sophia Leadership – at least not right away – so I have to market my other skills in communications, public relations, blah, blah, blah.”

But here’s where things get interesting… You see, every time I let myself follow fear into that tunnel called “practicality and paying the bills”, Sophia finds me and lures me back.

First, there was the horse.

The day after I’d told my boss I was quitting my job (in July), I went on my annual pilgrimage to the Folk Festival. As I often do at some point when the crowds have begun to overwhelm me and I need some quiet, meditative time, I wandered to the edge of the fenced-in area where there’s a labyrinth, some outdoor art, and very few people. As I wandered, I wrestled with just what I was going to birth once I’d walked away from my job. The argument was there in full force… “I’m pretty sure I’m being called to do this Sophia work.” “But that would be foolish! Nobody will get it and you won’t make any money and your family will hate you and… blah, blah, blah.”

Standing by the fence, I watched two horses and riders approach. It was a mother and daughter out for an evening ride. They stopped near me, and we began a conversation. I grew up with horses and have always felt a strong pull toward them. This moment was no exception.

“What are the horses’ names?” I asked. Well… you’ve probably figured out by now… the bigger of the two, the most magnificent horse I’ve seen in a long time, was named Sophia.

“Why did you call her Sophia?” I asked the woman, trying not to let on that this was hugely significant for me. I saw the woman’s eyes light up. “Well, I named her that because I’ve been reading about how Sophia means wisdom and how there were knights in King Arthur’s court who used to worship the goddess Sophia.”

As if that wasn’t enough, the next thing she said sealed the deal. “It’s a good thing my husband isn’t around,” she said with a blush and a sideways glance over her shoulder as if she expected him to vapourize out of thin air.  “He hates it when I talk about this stuff and doesn’t want me to talk about it in front of other people. He thinks this goddess stuff and feminine wisdom is a bunch of horse shit.”

And then it came to me, like a lightening bolt… “It is for women like this – women who have been taught not to trust their feminine wisdom – that you are being called into Sophia Leadership.” Gulp.

I wish I could tell you that was the end of the internal arguments, but that would be a lie. Apparently I’m a slow learner, because even after that encounter, I spent the rest of the summer wrestling with what to call my business, whether to be a generalist or a specialist, what kinds of contracts I should look for, etc., etc.

The truth is, I need to pay the bills, and that keeps weighing heavily on my shoulders. I created a generic website. I started accepting contracts that I knew I could do quite easily, but that weren’t really on the path Sophia was leading me down. But then, once again, it seemed Sophia had different ideas.

I was supposed to be working this week, but the contract got taken away. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I breathed a sigh of relief, and began to focus on taking October as my sabbatical/thinking/learning/growing month before jumping into any kind of work.

Which leads me to yesterday, my first day of self-employment. I decided it was time for my annual pilgrimage to my dad’s grave in the town where I grew up (two hours from where I live now). I enjoyed a lovely drive out into the prairies, wandered around the almost-ghost-town where  I once lived, spent a little time talking to my dad, and then headed to Neepawa, the nearby town where I’d gone to high school, to find a place to eat lunch.

For reasons I can’t explain, I felt an inexplicable desire to visit the Stone Angel (a monument in the cemetery that was made famous when Margaret Lawrence named a novel after it). I’ve never been a huge Lawrence fan, so the Stone Angel never held much significance to me. I don’t think I’ve visited since high school. But this time the thought wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to visit.

I drove into the cemetery, and before I even realized that I’d reached the monument, my eyes fell to the base of it. Guess what name was there? Sophia. She was the wife of the founding father of Neepawa in whose honour the monument was erected.

I stopped my vehicle, stood in front of the monument, and started to cry. There was Sophia, in beautiful weathered stone, looking down at me and nudging me once again.

As a bit of a postscript to all this serendipity… today, things got even more freaky.

I got a note from my friend Desiree telling me someone she knew online thought she should connect with me because we have a lot in common. She chuckled when she told her we already knew each other. Then I got a note from my friend Lianne, inviting me to join a blog party. One of the other women she had invited turned out to be the same woman who’d told Desiree she should meet me. She said she’d never heard of me before, but had been inexplicably drawn to my blog today (through a link on Jamie’s blog) and then found out both Desiree and Lianne are connected to me.

Her name? Tara SOPHIA Mohr! One of her deepest passions? Convincing women that they should be trusting their wisdom and changing the world. Oh my! Goosebumps!!

For some reason that I don’t fully understand, Sophia chose me for this work and she is NOTHING if not persistent.

I GET IT Sophia! Here’s that big red lollipop, and here’s ME!

So… guess what I’ll be doing for the rest of the month? Hanging out with Sophia and letting her guide me down this path.

This post originally appeared on my personal blog, Fumbling for Words, in August 2010 when I was imagining Sophia Leadership into existence.

Warning: This post is mostly just me thinking aloud. Feel free to ignore it if you get easily annoyed with the inner angst of an over-thinker.

I’ll admit it – I’ve been agonizing about what the big “next step” will look like once I walk away from my day job. No, the agony has not been about second-guessing my decision – I’m pretty confident it’s the right choice – but rather it’s about “what am I going to put out into the world once I have to be responsible for marketing MYSELF rather than a non-profit or government organization”.

At the heart of this agonizing is a question about whether to be a generalist or a specialist. I have a lot of skills that I think are marketable – writing, communications planning & marketing & public relations, media relations, creativity, facilitation, leadership development, teaching, storytelling, global thinking, travel, synthesizing information… and that’s where I get a little bogged down. I LIKE to do a lot of things and have a lot of variety in my life. That’s why I’ve been happy in this job because it has offered me opportunity to grow in my leadership, do lots of creative writing and communicating, travel to fascinating places in the world, do story-gathering and photography, advise people on how to effectively communicate their message, etc., etc.

So part of me thinks I should just start marketing myself as a generalist who’ll do all of these things, and be kind to you while I’m at it.

BUT… I’m a little nervous that being too much of a generalist just waters down what I want to do in the world AND gives people the idea that I’m a “jack of all trades and master of none” and that I won’t really do a bang-up job of whatever it is they consider hiring me to do. So then I try to synthesize all of these things and come up with some kind of well-rounded statement like “I’ll help you use your personal and organizational stories and strengths to transform your leadership and impact”. Hmmm…. blah.

The thing is, the skills that I think will get me jobs (ie. INCOME), are not necessarily the things I want to do a lot of. Corporate communications, for example. I can write a bang-up press release or produce a lovely annual report, but please don’t make me do that ad nauseum! On the other hand, if you want to hire me to go to Zimbabwe to visit your project site to take pictures and gather stories so that you can better communicate what your organization does, I AM SO THERE!

And then there’s this other piece that keeps nagging at me like a pesky child who won’t stop showing you pictures of delectable chocolate until you take her to 7-11 for a chocolate bar (like my smart little manipulater did the other night).  Sophia Leadership. THAT feels like a real calling and something I really feel like I need to put out into the world. It’s needed – I know it is. It’s the gap that I never fully found in my thirteen years of leadership – a safe space for leaders who want to explore their feminine wisdom (intuitive thinking, creativity, spirituality, comfort with ambiguity, embodiment, etc.). Despite the many times when my fear gremlin tries to convince me that I’m not qualified to be a leadership consultant or that there isn’t enough of a market for it or I’ll kill my other chances of making an income if I focus too much on that, I KNOW deep in my heart that this is a calling I’m not supposed to take lightly.

And then… well, then my mind starts to throw all kinds of other doubts and questions on the table. Should it really be just about leadership? What if that alienates the people who SHOULD recognize that they are leaders (the artists, stay-at-h0me moms, administrative assistants, dancers, etc., etc.) but are afraid of that word? Maybe it should be something like “Sophia Rises” to express more of the emerging quality of feminine wisdom in a world that needs much more of it, without attaching it just to leadership? And… should I really call it “Sophia”? Won’t that confuse people who don’t understand that Sophia = Wisdom and who think it’s my first name? Oy veh.

As Marianne Elliot said so eloquently, “I’m learning to trust that the work I’m here to do is bigger than me.” Somehow it feels like the Sophia work is bigger than me and it’s the direction I need to place my energy. I expect that (at least at first) it won’t be the only thing that I do, and really, I think if I do it right, all of those things can be incorporated into the Sophia work.

The lovely thing is that this thinking work is not really stressing me out, despite the use of the word “agonizing”. To some degree, I thrive on change and innovation, and this is just the kind of thing that gives me a buzz. So I’ll happily keep thinking and overthinking and praying and meditating about this thing for awhile, and at some point, perhaps the path will be clear.

If you have any wisdom on the subject, feel free to share it. I’d be especially interested in hearing about what you think my “essence” or”strength” is – what is the quality that shines from this blog that you think people need more of?

This post originally appeared on my personal blog, Fumbling for Words, in June 2010, when I began imagining Sophia Leadership into being.

“Bring your vulnerability, your tenderness, your fear. Bring your questions – bring the things that puzzle you. Be prepared to hold ambiguity – to sit with the ‘not-knowing’. Open your heart and your mind to yourself and to the other people in the room.”

That may not be exactly what Michael Chender (one of the founders of ALIA) said in his opening speech, but it’s the way that I remember it. I wrote this in my notebook: “Wow! An opening speaker who welcomes our vulnerability!” His speech has stayed with me ever since.

How often have you sat in any workshop (especially one focused on leadership) and been told that your vulnerability is a valuable place to start? The leadership training I’ve received in the past tends to focus on strengths, confidence, vision – certainly not vulnerability. That’s for weaklings.

I think it was about that time at ALIA when I felt the tears well up in my eyes and they stayed pretty close to the surface for the remainder of the day. In the past, when I’d followed my intuition and used my vulnerability as an asset in my leadership, I had almost always been faced with resistance and blocks and my own fearful gremlins. And almost every time, I’d tucked my courage and convictions away and gone back to putting on my “confident and unshakeable leader” face.

The challenge didn’t stop with Micheal Chender. Later that same day, at the beginning of our “Leader as Shambhala Warrior” workshop, Meg Wheatley’s first question to us was “What breaks your heart?” Really? What breaks my heart? This is the starting place for a journey toward warriorship? Indeed it was! The things that break our heart are the things that drive us forward – that give us purpose, vision, and strength to carry on.

During the week at ALIA, the term “strong back, soft belly” came up often – especially during meditation practice. When you sit in meditation, you are taught to sit with your back straight and strong and your stomach relaxed and vulnerable. This is not just a statement about posture – it’s a statement about how we are encouraged to live. Every day. Our strong backs remind us to have courage and strength in the face of adversity and fear – to hold firmly to our values. To be warriors. Our soft bellies remind us to make ourselves vulnerable to each other – to show compassion and extend understanding and forgiveness to ourselves and others. To open our hearts.

Today was one of those days when my “strong back and soft belly” were put to the test. In more than one situation, I was in the position to extend compassion to people who needed it, and yet at the same time was required to establish boundaries and to maintain an unwavering commitment to protecting and serving as a warrior for other people who were being negatively impacted by the same difficult situations. If I said I was completely successful, I would be lying (I had to fight hard not to let fear and anger play the parts they wanted to play), but I did my best and, with a combination of prayer, meditation, and turning to other people for support, I made it through the storms to the other side.

Sometimes, we choose either strong back OR soft belly and forget that we can hold both at the same time. Sometimes we treat people with too much kindness and forget that they also need us to hold firm to the boundaries in our relationships. Other times, we put up strong walls to protect ourselves or others and forget that compassion is also necessary.

I say this to you… Bring your vulnerabilities. And bring your strength too. It’s what every good warrior (and a true “Sophia leader”) does.

(Yes, in case you’re wondering, I’m thinking that the next step in the journey is taking me toward “Sophia Leadership”.)