Remembering

by | Sep 11, 2006 | Uncategorized

All over the internet, people are remembering 9/11. Though I’m a country away, and may not have been impacted as much as our neighbours to the south, I remember too.

It was Nikki’s first day of kindergarten. Few thoughts were on my mind that morning, other than the milestone of sending our first child to school. I don’t have a strong recollection of seeing her off at school, but I’m sure that she was stoic and composed. Beneath the exterior, though, she was probably stressing about whether she’d put her shoes in the right place, whether she had the “right” kind of backpack, and whether she’d know how to follow all the teacher’s instructions correctly. Few things worry her more than staying within the framework of the rules.

I left her there and jumped in the van to head downtown to my office. On the radio, the first hint that there was something seriously wrong was the unmasked emotion in the voice of the radio announcer. She was fighting tears as she relayed the story of the plane hitting one of the towers. In retrospect, I suppose she wasn’t one of the more experienced announcers – she hadn’t learned to mask her own connection to a story.

As I drove, I had the eerie feeling that the world had just changed. An office tower had been hit by a plane. This meant that there was no safety anywhere anymore. A plane could drop out of the sky and hit my van. I could step out of the elevator in the office tower where I worked, and watch a plane fly through the window. I, along with every other person in North America (or anywhere else, for that matter), was vulnerable.

I arrived at work late, and few people had heard the news yet. Once in my office, I turned on the TV (yes, I had a TV in my office because I worked in media relations and had to watch the news now and then), and people started congregating around me. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing. As we watched, the second tower was hit. This was no longer a random accident.

Throughout the day, the TV stayed on in my office. I tried to work, but was constantly interrupted by people stopping by to catch glimpses of what was going on. There was a subdued air in the office. No one knew what to say.

On the way home from work that day, I wrestled with what to tell the children. Though Nikki was only 5 at the time, she was incredibly perceptive and I knew that she would hear about this and would worry. I had to tell her at least some portion of the truth so that she would be prepared when she heard about it through a classmate or teacher. When I picked her up at daycare, I explained what happened in simple terms. “Some bad people flew planes into some very tall buildings. A lot of people died in those buildings.” “But why mommy? Why would bad people do that?” “I’m not sure, honey. Sometimes people get angry at other people and they want to hurt them because of their anger.”

Shortly after we got home, I noticed her at the front window, watching a fire truck go by. “Mommy,” she said, “are those fire trucks going to the towers?” Hmmm… I guess I forgot to tell her that the tall buildings were in a city far away from here. The questions didn’t stop there. They never do. Throughout the following week, she pestered me again and again, especially when she caught sight of the news reports. She needed some understanding of why something like this could happen. Did the bad people have families? Where did the bad people live? Did they rescue anyone alive from the towers? If it happened THERE, could it happen HERE?

Around the same time, my sister and I were planning a trip to New York City. Our initial plans, in fact, would have meant that we’d have been there around the time the towers came down. I didn’t want to miss the start of kindergarten, though, so we delayed our plans. Now we didn’t know whether we could go through with it or not. With planes grounded all over North America, it wasn’t clear when or if our trip would happen.

A lot of people thought we were crazy for still considering a trip to New York City, but we decided to go through with our plans anyway. We were not about to let fear diminish our lives. After all, didn’t Rudolph Guiliani and the President tell people to keep visiting, keep shopping, and keep attending the theatre? And wouldn’t New York City be one of the safest places in the world in the aftermath of the tragedy?

At the end of October, we visited NYC as planned. We were greeted at the airport by soldiers with machine guns, something I’d never seen in a North American airport before. Times had changed.

We went to the theatre, we shopped, we took tours on a double-decker bus and a boat, and we wandered around Central Park. We did all the things tourists do. We enjoyed ourselves, and we fell in love with a big beautiful city whose heart still beat with a bold, indomitable pulse. We listened to people’s stories of the New York that was, we saw the memorials in front of fire stations, and we honoured the hurt all around us. We saw the smoke rise from the gaping sore in the city’s centre. We smelled the faint scent of death and destruction. We didn’t get very close to ground zero (I was pregnant at the time and had doctor’s orders not to walk too far), but through the surrounding towers, we glimpsed those infamous remaining beams marking its place.

After visiting New York City, it wasn’t hard to understand why that city had been targeted by the terrorists. If you want to hurt someone, you aim for the heart. NYC has a lot of heart. It’s a vibrant, pulsing city, and its pain would (and did) reverberate across the country and beyond.

Today, five years after the fact, I don’t want to forget, but at the same time, I can’t help thinking it’s time to move forward. Although the loss of 2996 lives is tragic beyond measure, I find it even more tragic that, in the 5 years since, a culture of fear has been used by political heavyweights to justify hatred and the abuse of power. I’m sick and tired of hearing about the “axis of evil”. We all know that words are powerful things, and if we are continuosly reminded of the evil threats against our countries, we can’t help but start to believe it. On this, the fifth anniversary of 9/11, I sincerely wish that old language could be set aside for a new language – one that builds on hope, justice, and compassion instead of fear, evil, and hatred.

Some of the random bits floating around in my brain

by | Sep 10, 2006 | Uncategorized

– Although I’m not a very orderly person, I love order. I love it when all the pieces are lined up and fitted into their designated slots. I spent a little bit of time finding order in our lives this weekend – lining up the budget, cleaning house, doing laundry. I get a burst of pleasure when the pieces line up. It makes me wish I could convince myself on a daily basis that the pleasure is worth the pain of maintaining order. But I’m way too lazy for that.

– I’m not very fond of our backyard. By this time of year, it shows. It’s gotten overgrown and unkempt and looks nearly abandoned. In the Spring, before the bugs arrive, we spend a fair bit of time back there, eating suppers on the deck, etc. But as the summer heats up and the bugs arrive, we spend less and less time there. It feels much too closed in (the only way to get there is through the garage or through a narrow pathway beside the garage, and it’s surrounded by fences and overgrown shrubs), and therefore kind of claustrophobic and bug-infested. This year we inherited a wooden bench seat from a neighbour who moved away and we placed it in the front yard. We spend quite alot of time out there now, watching the world go by. A neighbour walked by yesterday as I was sipping my iced tea and said “you look relaxed”, and indeed I was. I’ve decided that I much prefer front yard living. It makes me feel more connected to the world. Maybe that’s the extrovert in me coming out.

– I don’t particularly like doing laundry, but I like folding towels. I learned the “right” way of folding towels when I spent a summer working as a chambermaid at a resort in Banff. It was a horrible job, cleaning the messes people left behind when their vacation ended. Vacationing people tend to be more sloppy than at-home people, because they aren’t responsible for their own messes (do you know how hard it is to scrape dried-on Cheerios off the floor?) Once in awhile, when we’d check our day’s duties in the morning, Allison-the-mean-boss would have selected one of us to be the “spare” person which meant you didn’t have to clean rooms, but instead spent most of the day in the large laundry room, folding towels and doing other odd jobs. I learned to fold a perfect towel (anything less than perfect risked the wrath of Allison), and I still take pride in my stack of neatly folded towels. The last weekend of that summer was the best because Allison-the-mean-boss learned that I was good at sewing, so I got to spend the busiest weekend of the year mending laundry bags, sheets, and towels. She wasn’t mean to me once all weekend. Instead, she raved to everyone about how well I sewed. It was a good way to end an otherwise horrible summer.

– It’s not a bad gig when your children grow old enough to be contributing members of the household. Yesterday, when Marcel was out, the living room and bathroom got cleaned without me having to set foot in either room! And they were an acceptable level of clean, not the kind you have to re-do when they’re done. And one daughter taught the other daughter how to clean the toilet! What’s not to like?

– Right now, Maddie is dancing around the basement with butterfly wings strapped to her back. She just said “I wish I was a REAL butterfly.” And then she thought about it for awhile, reconsidered the permanence of her wish, and said, “I wish I was a person who could turn into a butterfly whenever she wanted.” Me too. Wouldn’t it be fun to float around and watch people?

Thirteen things about my kids on their first day of school and daycare

by | Sep 7, 2006 | Uncategorized

Just thought I’d try this whole “Thursday Thirteen” thing on for size.

1. When Nikki packs her school bags, she makes sure everything fits in an orderly fashion. Before she went to bed last night, she came to see me to list off all the things she’d packed to make sure she didn’t forget anything.

2. When Julie packs her school bags, she’s just happy if nothing is dragging so low that she’ll trip on it. And even if she DOES trip on it, no big deal.

3. Maddie is very proud of her new pink lunch bag. She felt like one of the grown-up kids when she packed her lunch last night.

4. Nikki went to school wearing her new pink skirt and top, re-did her ponytail about five times, and stressed about the tie on her blouse not being quite right for first day of school pictures on the front lawn. When I kissed her, I could tell she’d applied lip gloss. Her ensemble was complete with her beloved Crock footwear on her feet.

5. Julie went to school with her torn-on-purpose jean shorts and a blue tennis shirt, looking a little like the punk rocker/tomboy she aspires to be. She barely combed her hair for the first day of school pictures. She gave her sister a hard time for re-tying her bow.

6. Maddie hopped out of bed this morning when she realized it was her first day of daycare and she’d have a golden opportunity to make new friends. She was content to wear whatever I pulled over her head, though she wanted flip-flops on her feet instead of the sturdier shoes I insisted on.

7. When we met with Julie’s teachers, and they asked if there was anything they should know about Julie, one of the things I mentioned was that Julie finds school a little too easy and needs to be challenged a little more than she was last year. Marcel mentioned that she read ALL of the Harry Potter books by the time she was eight because she devours books faster than we can get them from the library. Julie sat beside us trying not to let them see a little grin sneak onto her face while we bragged about her.

8. When we met with Nikki’s teachers, and they asked if there was anything they should know about Nikki, one of the things I mentioned was that Nikki is very diligent about getting her homework done and never has to be reminded to do it, especially if it is a big project and it’s not due until next week. Marcel mentioned that she particularly likes history and politics (like her dad) and impressed last year’s teachers by how much she knew. (Do YOU know all the leaders of the political parties?) Nikki sat beside us trying not to let them see a little grin sneak onto her face while we bragged about her.

9. When I filled out Maddie’s registration form for daycare, I said her favourite foods are peanut butter and bagels with cheese. I also said that her favourite activities are making new friends and playing on play structures. ANY and ALL play structures. What I didn’t add was that Maddie can spot a play structure miles before we pass it and tries to convince us to stop at ALL of them. There are a few play structures close to our house, and she prefers going to the one where there’s the highest probability that there will be other children there.

10. Nikki was worried that we didn’t have enough money to cover all the school and daycare fees we need to pay.

11. Julie told me about 5 times that she has “butterflies in her stomach” but that she couldn’t WAIT for school to start.

12. Maddie is already convinced that daycare will be the GREATEST PLACE ON EARTH because her sister told her they sometimes got to go to 7-11 for Slurpees when she used to go there. Oh, and there’s the “new friends” thing.

13. Okay, this last one’s not about the girls. Marcel is back in school too. He’s been at the school where he’s doing his first student teaching for a few days now. He’s almost as excited as the girls. So far, he seems very happy about the prospect of becoming a teacher. He’s student teaching at the school that’s right next to Nikki and Julie’s school, so he can drive them home on the days he’s there. I forgot – I should have included him in the “first day of school” picture this morning.

Feels a little like frantic

by | Sep 7, 2006 | Uncategorized

– sharpen all the pencils (do they REALLY need 20 pencils?)
– write post-dated cheques for lunch fees
– “Mom, I don’t have clean underwear for tomorrow.”
– where are the gym bags from last year?
– do you have running shoes for gym?
– “Mom, this looks like a 1 inch binder instead of a 2 inch binder.”
– fill out registration form for daycare
– write cheque for daycare
– write cheque for school fees (no, that’s NOT the same as lunch fees – way too many fees)
– “Mom do I HAVE to take a bath?”
– throw load of laundry in the washing machine – make sure it includes underwear
– “Mom, I don’t have gym shorts for tomorrow.”
– add gym shorts to the load in the washing machine
– write names on hundreds of pencils and crayons and pens and notebooks
– “Mom, where’s the shampoo?”
– phone family members for emergency contact information for daycare registration form
– wipe sour cream from supper off the table so it doesn’t end up on school supplies
– “Mom, are there any clean towels?”
– find kleenex boxes and paper towels, add them to school supplies bag
– make sure backpacks don’t have any remainders from last year’s lunches moulding in the bottom
– “Mom, I can’t fit this all in my backpack. Can you help me find another bag?”
– find a cloth bag for extra school supplies
– look up medical information and doctor’s phone number for daycare registration form
– nag daughters to pack lunches
– help daughter open salad dressing container for sandwiches
– “Mom, can I have a pudding for a bedtime snack?” “No!”
– pile up all the extra forms from school in a messy pile to figure out tomorrow what to do with them
– try to find phone number for new piano teacher. Give up. Put that on the mental list of things to do tomorrow.
– nag husband to clean up the supper dishes
– check registration form for soccer try-outs for next spring (why do they HAVE to do this the same week school starts?)
– feel guilty because your daughters can’t sign up for all the activities their friends are signed up for
– throw load in dryer
– tell daughters to brush their teeth and get ready for bed
– “Mom, can I have some grapes?”
– “Mom, can I have some juice?”
– “Maddie, leave Mom alone. Can’t you tell she’s getting frustrated?”
– check school supplies list one last time
– look around the increasingly messy house and worry about it getting worse once husband is in school full time
– try to remember whether I threw the load in the dryer
– kiss daughters good night
– sit down at computer feeling on the edge of frantic

Sigh.

I hate the night before the first day of school.

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