by Heather Plett | Feb 26, 2011 | Uncategorized
“Before you file an official police report, you should know that this part can be very hard on the victim.” Those were the words of the social worker called in to council me after I’d been raped. Two police officers and my friend Terence were also in the room.
“They’ll drag you through the ringer and you’ll have to re-live the experience again and again and again. They’ll question you almost as though YOU were the person who did something wrong. Chances are, they’ll also drag your past sexual history into it, especially if they think there’s any reason to suggest you invited this upon yourself.”
She said it kindly, trying to protect me from further hurt. She wanted me to know what I was facing if they ever caught the perpetrator who’d crawled through the window and taken my innocence from me. “You have a choice,” she said. “If you don’t want to report it, and you feel it would be easier to just walk away and try to get on with your life, you can.”
It didn’t seem like much of a choice to me. Let the man who did this walk free and some day find out another young girl had lived through the two hours of hell I’d lived through? Nope. I had to do everything I could to prevent that. I reported it. He was never arrested (though they thought they might have him a year or so later and I had to try to identify him in a series of photos). I never had to live through a court procedure. He might still be out there raping girls. The thought horrifies me.
The social worker’s words have been going through my head this week as news reports of another young woman who was raped in our province has surfaced. Tragically, though the case went to court, the rapist is walking free. The judge handed down a conditional sentence and no jail time, suggesting that the woman may have invited it on herself by wearing suggestive clothing and “letting her intentions known that she wanted to party”.
I don’t know the details of the case, but according to an interview on the radio this afternoon, they were in a car with a group of other people (after hanging out at the bar) when he started groping her. She told him to stop and he didn’t. Finally she said “I’m getting out of the car to get away from you.” He got out of the car too, took her into the woods and raped her.
I have no way of judging the woman’s behaviour, but this I know… no matter WHAT she was wearing, if she said no, it meant NO. Even if she was strutting down the street naked, he had no right to force sex on her. NO RIGHT!
Once again, our system has victimized the victim. After living through the hell of a court case, getting her actions trotted out for all the world to see, living through the shame of everyone thinking she was dressed inappropriately and “asked for it”, she now has to be told that the man who did this is a free man with nothing more than a conditional sentence.
Yes, I’m angry. Violence has a way of victimizing and then re-victimizing people. Not only do people get hurt by it, but if it’s not brought to justice, the next victim remains silent, and the violence is allowed to continue. And get worse. The next time a young woman sits in a room like I did with a social worker and police officer, she’ll know that if she reports this, there’s a good chance it won’t make any difference.
It’s the same thing we see with brutal dictators like those who are finally being challenged in the Middle East. For years they perpetuate their violence and the victims remain silent because there’s a good chance things will only get worse instead of better if they report it. In some countries, young women who are raped end up being stoned or forced to marry their rapist because somehow it was THEIR fault.
Though I didn’t have to live through the court system, I know a bit about what it feels like to feel blamed. When people found out what happened, I got a lot of support, but I also heard a number of stupid questions. “Why did you have your window open?” (Because it was a furnace in my apartment and I didn’t want to suffocate. Is it wrong to sleep with my window open?) “Couldn’t you have kicked him in the groin or something?” (And risk getting even more hurt than I was? As it was, he tried to stab me with my scissors when I tried to resist – I didn’t exactly want to piss him off further.)
It’s time to stop blaming the victim. No matter what personal choices we make, none of us invite violence on ourselves.
It’s time to call violence – under ANY circumstances – wrong.
(Note: I’m happy to learn that the judge in this case is under review.)
by Heather Plett | Feb 19, 2011 | Leadership, Uncategorized
“What makes you cry?”
That was one of the questions I posed to the participants of a leadership workshop I facilitated last week. We were talking about our values and how we as leaders model those values. It was part of a series of questions meant to help them clarify their own personal values.
Tears connect us to the deep places in our hearts where we guard those things that are most important to us. Tears emerge out of love and hurt and beauty and pain – all of those strings that attach us to our deepest values.
“What made me cry this week? The story emerging out of Egypt,” I said. “I don’t know when a news story has had such an emotional impact on me.”
It’s true. I cried. Along with so many other people. (In fact, when I tweeted about my tears, several others chimed in that they too were crying.) I cried, and cheered, and laughed, and even returned a thumbs up sign to a man in Tahrir Square who grinned into my TV screen.
How was the story of Egypt connected to my values? In SO many ways…
– I value courage.
– I value human rights.
– I value collaboration.
– I value women working with men, old working with young, Muslims working with Christians.
– I value peaceful resolutions and positive alternatives to oppression and violence.
– I value people who place the common good ahead of their own comfort.
– I value independent voices, willing to rise up and say “This must change.”
What do you value? What makes you cry?
Don’t ever be ashamed of the things that make you cry. They are the things that make you human. They are the things that make you strong. They are the things that help you step into leadership.
by Heather Plett | Feb 17, 2011 | Uncategorized
Part of me wants to give you a play-by-play of all the wonderful things I did and thought and saw and wrote while I was away on my solitary retreat. That part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops so that you too will realize how wonderful and truly life-giving a silent retreat can be.
But there’s another part of me that wants to hold it tenderly to my chest and guard it like a precious baby freshly emerged from my mother-womb.
This post is about the halfway place.
Here are a few things I’ll share with you:
– I love, love, LOVE St. Ben’s, the place where I usually go for retreats, only a half hour from my house. I didn’t know how much I loved it until I was there once again. It’s not a particularly beautiful place. The rooms are plain and ordinary and there’s not a big budget for the extras that make some retreat centres splashy. But it’s located on beautiful grounds by the river, and even in the winter someone lovingly clears the paths through the woods for contemplative wanderers like me. And there’s an art room and a friendly little kitchen and a library and staff and nuns who know how to stay out of your way and just let you find a peaceful centre.
– I realized this week that one of the things I love about St. Ben’s is that it is a celebration of the feminine divine. It’s run by a Benedictine order of nuns, and everywhere you look there are images, sculptures, and books reminding you of the presence of the feminine divine. Even the crucifix in the garden is surrounded by the three women who (unlike the men) didn’t abandon Christ in his agony. I felt like I was being held in a safe womb, carried through time and place by the stories of women who’d held space for me to emerge.
– One of the places I was most surprised to have an encounter with the feminine divine was, ironically, the chapel. (I know it sounds odd, but often I think churches are the hardest places to find God, especially the feminine manifestation.) I only joined the nuns once for midday prayer, but when I sat there surrounded by silver-haired nuns in silent and shared prayer, tears welled up in my eyes at the beauty of the feminine wisdom in the room.
– Although I was on retreat primarily to get some focused writing done on my book, the first night there I was quite intentional about not writing yet, but instead clearing the space for the writing to emerge. Just down the hall from my room was an art room, which I took full advantage of and the painting below emerged. At first I thought it was just a compilation of some of the thoughts going on in my head, but then, after looking at it for a few days while I was writing, I realized that it is really a visual representation of what is emerging in my book.
– One of the other things I love about St. Ben’s is the library which was also just down the hall from my room. There are books there that are rarely available anywhere else, and the delightful thing is that I think there are more books on the feminine divine than the masculine. Not that we don’t need both kinds of books, but it’s just nice to see the balance shifted the other way once in awhile.
– I did so much writing that I surprised myself. About 40 pages emerged over the course of three days. I felt so closely connected with what was showing up on the page, that there were moments when I wept.
– Speaking of what showed up on the page, this book is turning out to be even more deeply spiritual than I expected. Perhaps it was the setting, or perhaps it was just what was ready to show up.
– If you haven’t gone on retreat before, what are you waiting for? Go! Even if it’s just for a day! (St. Ben’s will give you access to a room for a day and serve you lunch for around $20.)
by Heather Plett | Feb 14, 2011 | Uncategorized
I have seen love on the face of an Indian professor who gives up every vacation and nearly every weekend to travel by boat to the remote Sundarban Islands where he works to improve the lives of impoverished people.
I have seen love in the eyes of an Ethiopian woman who leaves her family and comfortable city living to help a nomadic tribe get access to water.
I have seen love in the face of a bold Kenyan woman who worked until the day she died, helping her fellow Africans develop sustainable agriculture practices, and who dared to tell North Americans that they should stop trying to fix Africa.
I have seen love at the funeral of an elderly man who left behind an incredible legacy for his family, having volunteered at over one hundred organizations in his lifetime.
I have seen love in the day to day commitment of a friend who listens deeply to the stories of the marginalized of our city, and works to create a safe place for them to be.
I have seen love in the determined set of the jaw of a passionate young man in a village in India who risks his life to rescue young girls sold into sex slavery.
Love is not just a romantic sentiment reserved for Valentine’s cards. Love is action. Love is risk. Love is blood, sweat, and tears. Love is sacrifice.
Love dares to hope, dares to get involve, dares to be vulnerable, dares to surrender.
Love gives up the need to be right, sacrifices the need to be powerful, and surrenders to the needs of us all.
Love shows up in Tahrir Square.
Love lifts a ladle in the soup kitchen.
Love does the laundry and gets up in the middle of the night.
Love goes to the hospital.
Love doesn’t give up on people when they’ve hit rock bottom.
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (I Cor. 13)
Don’t talk to me of sentimental love. Give me REAL love.
* * *
For more on love, visit the Love Sparks Blogging Festival.
And be sure to check out the party (with giveaways!) at Dirty Footprints Studio (where I’ll be part of an upcoming Art Journaling workshop.)
by Heather Plett | Feb 12, 2011 | Joy, Uncategorized
– Another successful teaching session over. My students are awesome. Really. I’ve grown quite attached to them. They helped the teacher in me emerge.
– A two week break before I start teaching another session (with the same students).
– Lots of time to WRITE in the next two weeks.
– Lunch with my dear friend Jo-Anne. We have some of the BEST conversations.
– A really great book.
– Egypt. Oh my gosh. I don’t know when I’ve been so moved by a news story. It just makes a dreamer like me believe in possibilities all over again. We CAN change the world. Together.
– A really exciting possibility that is opening up that will involve travel AND interviewing some amazing people AND going to one of my favourite learning places to be inspired and challenged. Stay tuned.
– A leadership workshop I get to facilitate this afternoon. And the bonus point is the fact that I’ve done it before so the prep time is minimal.
– Writing retreat! Just me, my laptop, my journal and a pen hanging out in a Catholic retreat centre for a few days. No internet, no phones, no obligations. Just a commitment to follow the muse and WRITE!
– This video of my adorable 2 year old nephew reading “We’re going on a Bear Hunt”!
by Heather Plett | Feb 11, 2011 | Uncategorized
In honour of the courageous people in Egypt, who are putting themselves at great personal risk to impact change, I’ve been thinking about what it takes to change the world. This list is as much a reminder for me as anything. There are so many of these things I need to work on – so much courage I need to muster before I’d be ready to join them in Tahrir Square.
1. Shut up and listen. Listen deeply. To the wisdom of God. To the wisdom of others. Just listen.
2. When it’s time to speak, get the cotton out of your mouth and SPEAK, damn it. Speak truth to power. Speak kindness to the hurting. Speak justice to the oppressors.
3. When anger flares, put a bridle on it. Anger can be a powerful motivator, but you have to be intentional about harnessing it for good. Control it, don’t let it control you.
4. Put your work boots on. Don’t be afraid to get dirty. Get grease on your hands. Pick things up that need to be moved. Go the square. March. Get busy.
5. Put your paint clothes on. Make art. Beautiful art, challenging art, scary art. Just make it. And then share it. The world needs more art.
6. Pay it forward. Kindness is contagious. Spread it.
7. Get down on your knees. Or down on your mat. Pray. Meditate. Even if you don’t believe prayer will change the world, it will change YOU, and that’s a good start.
8. Don’t just tweet it, DO IT! Sometimes talking makes us complacent and we forget to act. Get out there and ACT. Listen to the wisdom of Jen Louden for your inspiration.
9. Don’t let the bastards win. Some people, who’ve let power and riches get to their heads, would prefer that you roll over and play dead. Don’t do it. There’s enough apathy in the world without you adding to it.
10. Give something away. Stop listening to the marketers who want you to believe you’re nothing but a consumer. Let your primary energy be your GIVING energy instead of your consuming energy. Shift the balance. Give until we’ve ALL got enough.
And a bonus one:
11. Dare to dream. Dream BIG. Dream of a world where there is justice for all, food for all, freedom for all, peace for all, water for all. Dream of a world where there is less garbage (both literally and figuratively) and more beauty. Let your dreams drive you.
