I have declared war on the fruit flies. I am a one-woman army with a vendetta. Just picture a female Rambo, but with a vacuum hose and a bottle of balsamic vinegar as my weapons. I will NOT be beaten!

Alas, the flies, they are a-multiplyin’. They are taunting me with their beady little eyes. I swear I can hear them laughing at me in their evil glee. They have taken over every room in my house. There is absolutely NO FRUIT anywhere in my house (other than sealed in the fridge), and yet they have found some place to breed and lay their eggs. And multiply, multiply, MULTIPLY!

Last night, after catching at least a hundred in my traps in various rooms of the house (yes, I made 4 traps and Marcel made one – one of them is sitting on the desk near me, but the flies are simply circling around it and laughing at me. I can hear them!), it was time to pull out the full arsenal and DECLARE WAR.

I searched every website I could find, read every comment on every bulletin board that talked about getting rid of them, and did EVERY SINGLE BLASTED THING anyone suggested.

– Balsamic/cider vinegar traps in cups with paper funnels taped to the top to keep them trapped? Check. (And then, when you’ve got thirty or so trapped, add a little baking soda to watch them FRY! Hey – I didn’t say I was humane!)
– Pour bleach down every drain in the house in case they’ve been breeding in the gunk that collects in the drains? Check. (No, I didn’t pour a whole bottle like some sites suggested – I’m a little more environmentally friendly than THAT!)
– Take out all of the garbage in the house, seal up all food sources, wipe every kitchen surface clean? Check.
– Look behind dressers, in pantry shelves, in lunch bags abandoned since the last day of school for abandoned fruit or vegetables? Check.
– Put a piece of fruit in the oven, leave the oven door open overnight, and then sneak into the room quietly in the morning, close the oven door and roast those suckers? Check. Nyah-ha-ha!
– Vacuum up every single pesky bug you can find? Check. With twisted and rather pathetic delight. Again and again. (Note: If you’re doing this late at night and your bleary-eyed daughter walks into the bathroom to find you looking like a mad woman and waving a vacuum cleaner hose in the air, you may get some funny looks.)
– Clean out the gunk that sometimes collects in the bottom of the toothbrush cup in case they’re breeding in there? Check.

And yet… and YET – the battle continues. They are not vanquished. As I type this, two of them just flew past my computer screen (and I’m in the corner of the basement furthest from the kitchen and any source of food for them). The AUDACITY!

These flies WILL NOT BE THE DEATH OF ME! I WILL win! I WILL! (Whimper.)

(Incidentally, my friend Whippersnapper is fighting the same battle at her house. Together, we are Rambo and the Terminator! Don’t mess with two angry chicks with vacuums and vinegar!)

(No, I am NOT petty enough to bring one of my traps over to Whip’s house, drop a rotting apple behind her dresser, and open the trap. It wasn’t my fault! She had them before she came over to visit, and I haven’t been there for months.)

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