Note: Read all the way to the end of this post to find out how to enter to win free registration to Spectrum: A holistic visual journaling workshop.
โAll transitions are composed of an ending, a neutral zone and a new beginningโ – William Bridges
In my last post, I talked about how the journey from Story A to Story B is almost always longer and more complex than we expect it to be. As the second diagram suggests, we must enter the labyrinth of transformation, release the old story on the journey in, sit quietly at the centre and wait patiently to receive what is there for us, and then make the return journey out of the labyrinth and into the new story that’s ready to emerge.
Several people have contacted me to say that the post resonated and that they find themselves in that in-between place. Some of them express their discomfort and want to know “what should I be doing in the in-between place?”
Here are some of my thoughts on how to live in the in-between place:
1. Let go of the mindset that you have to DO something. We are products of a culture that has convinced us that in order to have value, we must be active, we must produce things, and we must – at all costs – stay busy. I know it’s hard to break away from old patterns, but that mindset will not serve you well in this journey. New seeds do not grow on ground that is plowed every day. Nor can the land continue to be fruitful if it is not allowed to lie dormant through the winter. We need to learn a lesson from trees, release our fruit in the harvest season, release our leaves so that our trunks do not need to keep pumping sap through them and risk freezing, and simply lie dormant over the quiet season. Only then will we be ready to receive what is waiting for us at the centre. Only then can the new story begin to grow.
2. Be quiet. “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven… a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3) The in-between place is not a time for a lot of noise or conversation. It’s a more introverted time – a time to sit in your own silence and wait patiently for the wisdom to come. Turn off social media, cancel the parties, and just be quiet with yourself for awhile. The deepest wisdom in our hearts can’t be heard above the noise. If you can, go away for a silent retreat for a few days, or at least find time regularly to wander in the woods or in labyrinths.
3. Find the practices that sustain you and take you to a deeper place. This may be the time to bring in a new practice – dancing, yoga, meditation, Mandala Discovery, art journaling, walking, photography, etc. Find something that helps you get in touch with yourself and release the old stories.
4. Find an incubator where the new story can begin to grow in safety. It’s hard to believe in the new story that’s emerging if everyone you know is still stuck in old stories. To nurture your new story, find places where you feel safe trusting in what is possible. Find people (online or in person) who are also inviting in new stories and be intentional about supporting each other and growing new stories together.
5. Break away from the things that keep you stuck in the old story. This may mean you have to walk away from old jobs and unhealthy relationships. It may mean giving up some of your volunteer commitments that keep you too busy to walk the labyrinth. Be courageous in seeking what you know you need to get through this. Practice saying “no, this is not what I need right now”.
6. Be as honest as you need to be with the people around you. Be clear about your needs. You may need to tell your life partner “I need to be by myself for awhile. This is not about you – it’s about what I need for this transition I’m going through. I would appreciate your support.” It may mean you’ll need to tell your Mom “This is what is now true for me. It might make you uncomfortable, and it might not be true for you, but I’m asking you to respect my journey anyway.”
7. Allow yourself to grieve and to hospice the old story into its death. You’re letting go of something important. It’s a story that has sustained you for a long time. Don’t take that lightly. Allow yourself to properly grieve its loss. Don’t rush through the sadness or any of the other emotions that show up. Offer respect and gratitude to the old story for the role it played in your life. Give yourself permission to really feel this pain.
8. Be patient. The most difficult thing about this in-between place is that it doesn’t end as quickly as we want it to. Old stories need time to die. New stories need time to germinate. You won’t serve either story well if you rush from one to the next. You won’t serve yourself well if you don’t take the time that’s needed in between.
9. Remember that your journey is your own. No two journeys through this will look the same, so you’ll need to trust your own wisdom to get you through. You can seek advice from other people, read books about it, or take classes, but at the end of the day, nobody can know exactly what you need except for you. Trust that. Learn to listen for the voice of intuition.
10. Lean on a Higher Power. You’re not walking through this alone. God/dess wants to walk the journey with you, supporting you and holding you up when you get weary. Practice doing the things that help you get in touch with the God of your understanding – pray, meditate, be in nature, go to the synagogue, etc. Trust that something bigger than you wants this new story to emerge just like you do.
What’s your experience of the in-between place? Do you have any other points you’d like to add or any questions you’d like to ask? Add a comment to this post for your chance to win free registration to Spectrum: A holistic visual journaling workshop (where I’ll be teaching a workshop related to this post, on an art journal process inspired by labyrinths). Contest closes Friday, February 28 at 8:00 p.m. central.
Also, don’t forget that you have until Saturday morning to register for Mandala Discovery.
Note: All links to Spectrum are affiliate links, which means I’ll get a portion of the registration fees if you register through these links.
Heather, its like you were inside my head from a few years ago. I find so many forcing themselves & it just causes them to be deeper in those in-between places. THANK YOU for this GREAT post.
This post hits home for me! I can find something in each of the 10 thoughts but I especially like “New seeds do not grow on ground that is plowed every day. Nor can the land remain fruitful if it is not allowed to lie dormant in the winter.” I will read and re-read this!
4. Find an incubator where the new story can begin to grow in safety – This one has been key for me these past few years being home with little ones. My online circle of women have been my safe place.
Heather, I love the way you conceptualize this supported transition from the old story to the new, finding a safe and trusting space for incubation…
Thanks for this post, Heather. I think it has great relevance to our society and our world in general these days, as old stories are dying and new stories are emerging. Many of those new stories emerge from discontent with the old stories that surfaces slowly, with the old story providing the shelter under which the new seeds have time to germinate.
Not all of us are ready to let go of the old story, and find it frightening to contemplate the idea of a new story or stories emerging. Not all of us are ready to be patient with those who felt and feel comfortable within the old story, because new stories seem so clear to us.
Our society is changing so rapidly and its institutions are struggling with the old story dying and the new story emerging, and this time of transition can seem unclear to us – as can our role within it. I often think of Margaret Wheatley’s analogy, of how the old is like the rusting machinery sinking into the soil as the new grass grows up around it.
As I grow older, I can see that there are some people mourning that rusting equipment and fearing that chaos instead of new growth is replacing it; others who want to speed up the growth of the grass, not willing to be patient with its gradual growth in different places; others who want to mow the grass and fence it and turn it into a lawn; and others who see the grass within the bigger context of our natural environment, with its growth accelerated or hampered by what is happening in the earth and sky.
Story is so powerful, isn’t it? Thanks for your ongoing reflections.
Thank you for this post. I’ve had alot of people pressure me to “just let go of my story” without really honoring my need to process the anger & grief. I believe it’s a process that takes time and emotional honesty, and really feeling very difficult emotions – not just a simple “guess I’ll just think in a new more positive way” and be done with it. I really like your illustration of how complex transformation happens – I think I’ll put that drawing in my journal to remind me that it’s okay to be in this awkward, uncomfortable, “in between place”. Blessings to you.
the creative process encapsulated…and many others too.
Thanks! I think this is great food for thought. Doing nothing -and how to do it right – is not something we do well in our culture. I like your pointers.
Have a great silent retreat. Can’t wait to hear more about spectrum!
“Allow yourself to grieve and to hospice the old story into its death.” This is a point I often want to rush along. My mind tells me it’s time to get moving, leave it behind, yet my body and soul give a different message. Often old body issues show up again and I just feel sad for no obvious reason or cry more easily than I already do. I’m going through one of those phases right now, feeling anxious to get moving, impatient with myself for feeling down. So thank you for your timely message Heather. I think I’ll create a ritual a round this, to honor all that was.
So far my experiences with liminality have shown me that patience is the greatest gift I can give myself. Not always easy, but so so important and supportive.
What a great read! Right now I feel like I’m in the stage of breaking away from things that keep me stuck. It’s not easy, although reading this post was inspiring and helpful. Thanks!
Thank you for listing and explaining the steps to me. This post really resonated with me. Thank you, as always, for your illuminating wisdom.
The winner, thanks to Random.org, is Trece! Congrats! And thanks everyone else for your comments. ๐
Wow, fantastic blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is excellent, as well as the content!