There’s a piece of my story in this unfolding year that I have had a hard time writing about. I still don’t know quite what to say, but I also don’t want to pretend that it’s not going on or that I’m trying to keep it a secret.
This summer, my twenty-two year marriage unraveled and my husband and I are now separated.
That’s the simple version. The more complex version is the part that’s difficult to talk about, because it is not my story alone and I am determined never to write anything that might hurt anyone I care about. My husband, my daughters and I are all fumbling our way through this, trying not to hurt each other, trying to heal from past wounds, and trying to emerge stronger and wiser.
I share it, though, because sometimes people turn to me for expertise on what it means to hold space for people, and I don’t want to pretend that I have figured out everything there is to know about keeping relationships healthy. Like you, I falter sometimes, and I fail people, and I make decisions that might be hard for people to understand. I am still very much on a learning journey.
Early this year, after I wrote the post that went viral, about what it means to hold space for other people, what became more and more clear to me was something I’d woken up to about five years earlier. My husband and I no longer knew how to hold space for each other. We’ve tried and tried, but repeatedly we’ve failed. For my part, I spent too much time judging him and thinking I needed to rescue or fix him, and for his part, he no longer understood me and had no idea how to support the kind of work I was doing or the changes I was undergoing as a result.
For a long time, I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter that we were in such different places – that I was in this marriage for the long haul and that my daughters were better off with us together – but I could only fool myself for so long. We were hurting each other in our failure, and, after repeated attempts at marriage counselling, it finally became clear to me that we were not doing our daughters any favours by staying in this broken place.
There is much that remains unresolved in this story and I continue to learn from it as I navigate this new path. I stumble sometimes, and then I fall into grace and am given a hand up to get back up on my feet again.
And that is where I will leave this story, in an unresolved place where there is still healing to be done and forgiveness to be offered. I am learning, despite much impatience and struggle, to stay in the unresolved places until what’s meant to emerge can find its own way and time to unfold.
When we see brokenness, our tendency (based in a childish desire for the world to be clean and orderly, black and white) is to rush in to fix it, to find a solution, and to put it back the way it once was. But the invitation of a deepening spirituality is to allow it to remain unresolved, to ask ourselves why we are uncomfortable with it being unresolved, and to consider that perhaps something new wants to grow in its own sweet time without the limitations of “the way things used to be”.
As a writer and teacher, I feel pressure sometimes, on my blog and on social media, to only share a story when it has a complete ending. If I share it when it is still in the unresolved stage, too many people will rush in with advice, solutions, or judgement, responding to their own need to see it fixed in a way that makes sense to them, and then I will feel defeated, inadequate, and not fully heard.
What I most value (and this is why I spend so much time in circles) is to be heard, to be valued, and to be supported in whatever stage of the messiness I am in. This, I believe, is what all of us truly want. Because the best path out of the messiness is rarely the quick fix that first rushes to mind.
I invite you then, to pause for a moment before you respond to my unresolved story or anyone else’s. In your pausing, listen first for what that person most wants from you. And then listen for what is unresolved in your own life that might make someone else’s messy story feel uncomfortable. Because when we sit in the messiness together, we grow truly beautiful and lasting things. That’s what it means to hold space for each other.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” – Rilke
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I hear you. I see you open tender heart. Sending much love.
Heather, you are simultaneously telling your own story — the part that you are living — and telling our universal human story. Thank you. Deanna
This resonates. I am at the space you and your husband were 5 years ago. I’m awakening and having a clearer vision of myself and our world…which is very different from where he is. I can see us looking at one another sometimes, after just spoken our truths, wondering who the hell this person is sitting across from the other. I sit in circles in which the right answer for others has been leaving – but I don’t think I’m there yet. The dis-ease in being uncomfortable is a good thing, in a way, I guess. It makes us take notice and re-evaluate. I don’t know what our future holds, but I’m thankful for the times inbetween that we DO connect, laugh, and have fun.
So appreciate & applaud the respectful sovereignty from which you’ve shared this – at once both student & teacher – while offering us the chance to witness & join you as companion student/teachers. Messy made beautiful without denying a thing. Thank you.
Thanks so much for your openness and honesty. We are all a work in progress. I feel for you and pray you both be blessed and guided for your highest good. I know how much grief is involved when a marriage ends, it is very tough. Endings and new beginnings, new identities. A hard road but a worthwhile one, bringing up raw feelings at times.
This is so beautiful. Thank you for your authenticity, and for putting this out there in a way that will bring awareness and healing to so many. It’s a vulnerable thing to do, and our world needs more brave people who are willing to be that vulnerable. May you be encircled with loving people who hold the space for you as I’ve no doubt you do for many. Sending peace your way & to your family too, and taking in the gentleness and wisdom you’ve offered into my own heart.
After 40 years, I find myself in a very similar space, feeling frightened and alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your truth. Your willingness to do so is a kindness.
I am learning.
Thank you for your honesty and invitation to hold space for myself in those spaces of uncertainty and times of unknowing and blundering around waiting for clarity to take shape. it gives me hope.
Oh, how did i click on this article today? My marriage of 22 years is coming to an end, I am looking for a place to stay, i am hiding from the world and the physical symptoms of my grief are overwhelming. I’d do almost anything to reach a happy place now. And then i read about the childish desire for the world to be clean and orderly, safe, happy. And i recognise that i have people who are holding space for me. Ok, yes, i’ll try to be patient with the pain and the questions and the uncertainty.
So sorry for your loss. I have been divorced for nine years–and I don’t wish it on anyone. Holding space, as I understand from your article, is like letting be… Love and prayers…
I have unresolved stories. I set out to resolve one; a person became involved telling me the wildest story. Enough to say my Daddy wasn’t my Daddy. I was going through cognitive therapy for PTSD childhood related at age 63. Eye Movement Desentizaion; Reprocessing. EMDR.
I was disturbed; angry. The person’s story had no credibility; her references she gave backed out. Finally found one of ladies my Mama had roomed with as young lady; single. She is kin to the person who told me the wild story. I called her; we had a good talk. She is Mama’s age. My Mama is in Heaven. I decided it is “well with my soul”. Then began to wonder more about people in my family, what was their life like, made them the way they are or were. Compassion; empathy set in. My Aunt that I had confided in about all this; who had encouraged me died suddenly. (Am I writing my novel here;-).
Anyway, is it unresolved…..many other life stories….look forward to your emails.
My best friends daughter wants to write about her life story. Wth no respect to others involved.
This will be helpful to me. Thank you.
Wonderful article! Now I can honestly say that I can hold space for someone because I truly get it! I so value when a person can open up and share honestly… I just wish more people could do it! It always leaves me feeling so connected to that person! Thank you so much for sharing this article!
Congratulations. Great advice too. Thanks
Your Words not a Hard Back Novel with all the Frills/Juices, nor a Paper Back Novel nor a ‘Story’ with a happy ending in a Magazine…Ms. Plett.
Your words came out of the my computer having ‘a Body’, ‘an assortment of Emotions’, ‘Deep Rooted Understanding of much’…I commend your Method in which you presented REALITY without Shame/Guilt, without Reason/Finger Pointing, with a solid Earthly Pedestal to stand on, no Cure/Fix until One has traveled that Journey of one’s Life…and Hopefully Grown.
You have a Beautiful Gift, Bless you
Sylvia
Thanks for this Heather. I too am in the process of untangling from a long marriage. With so much literally ‘in process’ this is such a kind way to be with all the unresolved everything! I read and listen and appreciate your work very much. Perhaps one day I will find myself to one of the physical spaces you hold.
Thank you for sharing. This has been one of my favorite quotes for years….because I too am in “that place”. I have come to be at peace with it although I have no idea how the “rest of the story” will unfold. Peace to you as you sojourn in the land of unanswered questions. One of my favorite sayings these days is that “life is mysterious”. Its not quite as tidy as many of us were brought up to believe it “should” be. Blessings of peace as you carry on.