pursuit of stillnessI’ve been trying and trying to write a decent blog post lately.

I thought I’d write about how amazing it’s been to watch my firstborn daughter blossom recently. How proud I was to watch her finish her first half marathon in under two hours. How gratifying it is to see her graduate, how hard she’s worked at her art lately and how amazing it was to watch her dance around the room when she got her acceptance letter from the school of fine arts. How proud I was to watch her do a public presentation on why feminism is still important for young women today. How courageously she forges her own path and wore a sleek black pant jumpsuit to her graduation when almost every other girl wore a brightly coloured, highly bedazzled princess dress.

I thought I’d write that, but I kept getting stuck. I don’t quite know how to tell my daughters’ stories in ways that honour their right to tell them themselves.

Before that, I thought I’d write about the amazing circles I’ve hosted and been part of recently, and how I want to do so much more of this work and help it grow all over the world. I thought I’d rave about Gather the Women and the great love I’ve found there, and how you should all consider joining me at their annual gathering in Rapid City, South Dakota in September. Or how you can get a taste of that circle love online this Friday in the Openhearted Writing Circle.

I thought I’d write that, but I just couldn’t figure out how to articulate all that I want to say about circles. Sometimes it’s hard to put it all into words without losing the heart of it.

I also thought I’d write more about how so many circle patterns are spiraling inward, getting closer and closer and starting to intertwine with each other – circle gatherings, mandalas, labyrinths, etc. How it’s starting to make sense why they’ve all found their way into my life, and how it feels like my calling is being refined as being a co-creator of Circles of Connection. How I plan to spend part of my summer painting a portable labyrinth and making some large outdoor nature-based mandalas. How I want to write a book about The Circular Woman.

I wanted to write that, but then it started to feel a little premature and I decided I needed to spend a little more time with my own thoughts before I try to express them.

And then I thought I should just do a gratitude post, where I talk about how grateful I am for my life right now. How good it’s been to feel more settled in this self-employment journey. How beautifully busy I’ve been in the past few months, hosting retreats, teaching classes, coaching, traveling, and creating Summer Lovin’, and how hopeful it makes me feel when I see so many new names showing up to buy my books, sign up for my courses, etc. How excited I am that this is finally generating enough income that we can take our children on a road trip this summer.

I wanted to write that, but I was too busy living the life and being grateful in the moments of it to try to refine it into a blog post.

I also thought I’d write something about teaching from the heart. How it’s been a bit of a journey to find my teaching voice, feeling the pressure of needing to be more academic and yet knowing that what the students need comes not only from my head but from my heart. How gratifying it feels to hear from students that the meaning they get from my classes goes far beyond the course content. How I still struggle sometimes to find the right balance and trust myself in forging a different path than what might be expected.

I considered writing that, but it’s hard to write some of those stories without betraying confidences and sharing things that are not mine to share.

I even thought I’d write a post about the table I’m refurbishing. How I picked up a solid table and chairs from a neighbour on Giveaway Day, and how I’m now covering up the scratches on the top with a bunch of black and white photos I found in an old photography book. How delighted I am with the way it’s turning out, and how this upcycling process offers one such lovely time for contemplating the way we transform life’s messes into beauty.

I tried to write that, but I couldn’t find the right balance between design tips and metaphor for life.

Yes, I’ve tried to write many blog posts, but the truth is, what I need right not is not a blog post.

What I need right now is some stillness.

There is so much swirling around in my head and heart that I can’t seem to focus on one thing long enough to write about it.

There is so much to be grateful for and so much to celebrate, but I know myself well and I know this… to integrate all of this growth and change and learning and goodness into my life, I need to be still with it for awhile. I need to let it whisper meaning into my heart. I need to sink into it like a bathtub full of hot water and let it wash over me and change me.

It’s summer, and it’s the perfect time to take a little break from the teaching, writing, thinking and processing. It’s the perfect time to go for long walks, sit on the beach, play on the swings, and hang out with loved ones around the campfire.

It’s the perfect time for a little stillness, gratitude and mindfulness. And that’s what I’ll be seeking in the next few weeks.

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