by Heather Plett | May 25, 2010 | body, journey
I am falling in love with the curvy botticelli beauty I see when I look in the mirror.
This has been a surprise for me. As I mentioned in this interview with the amazing Christine of Blisschick, I’ve never really liked mirrors. Mostly I’ve regarded them as necessary evils that help me make sure I don’t embarrass myself too much in public. I’ve never been able to celebrate what they reveal to me.
But things are changing. This morning after my refreshing post-bike-ride shower, I stood in front of the full length mirror and realized there’d been a significant shift in the way I respond to that image. I like what I see. I’m fond of my curves, my flaws, and my jiggly bits. Sure they’re not perfect, but they’re me and they’re beautiful in their own way.
The last couple of months have been quite remarkable in what they’ve revealed to me. This post was about some of that learning – how I’ve begun to recognize how separated my mind/body/soul are.
As I was processing the answers to Christine’s questions, I realized that there was still some old baggage I was carrying around – stuff that was contributing to the disconnect.
Twenty-two years ago (exactly half my life, incidentally), I was in the best shape I’ve ever been. I was training for a triathlon, in which I would do the cycling (56 miles, I believe) and other teammates would do the running and swimming. I was tanned and muscular.
Unfortunately, two days before the race, an intruder broke into my apartment during the night and raped me. It was one of the most horrible moments of my life, and I’m just now realizing what long term impact it had on me. I was determined to still participate in the triathlon, and even drove out to the town where it was held. But my neck hurt too much (from the intruder’s attempt to choke me to death) and so I had to give it up.
I did a lot of healing after that, and I was pretty sure I did all the right things to process it. I wrote like a mad woman, talked to alot of people, and even wrote a play which was produced in my university’s theatre about the experience.
But what I’m realizing now is that most of the healing I did was in my MIND and not my BODY. I didn’t really give my body sufficient space to process the hurt that she received at the hands of the rapist.
The year after the rape, I didn’t bike as much, and each year it became less and less of a priority. I immersed myself in my studies, my career, and (eventually) my life as a wife and mother. I spent a lot of energy trying to convince people I was smart and capable. I took on more and more leadership roles, and let my mind play centre stage in my life. I didn’t realize that to live fully, I’d need to give my body space once again. I buried the body hurt beneath layers of food and fat and avoidance.
About seven years ago, I started biking on a regular basis again, and was reminded of how good it feels to pedal, with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. It was good – but it still wasn’t everything I needed to do to reclaim the body I’d left behind 22 years ago.
This Spring, new things have been surfacing, and as I mentioned in this post, I’ve read some books that have opened doors in me that I didn’t realize I’d slammed shut 22 years ago. I have become awakened to the disconnect between body, mind, and soul.
Half way through answering Christine’s interview questions, I went to my bra-burning birthday party. I had some time to kill before I got there, so I wandered along the river. Leaning against a low stone wall, I had an epiphany. These are the words my body spoke to me… “Of all of my five senses, I trust the sense of touch the least.”
I’m still processing exactly what that means, but in the meantime, I’m doing my best to change it. I’m closing my eyes and running my hands gently over rough stone walls. I’m wrapping myself in the soft silk blanket I bought a few weeks ago and noticing the way it feels against my skin. I’m welcoming my husband’s carress in a new way.
One of most important things I’m doing is feeling the touch of my fingers on my own skin in a new way. I’m spending time lathering sweet-scented lotion all over my body. I’m enjoying my shower more.
When I catch my mind whispering lies to me, like “that athletic woman on the bike that just passed is probably surprised that someone with such a large ass is riding a bike”, I reach out and touch the offended part of my body in a non-verbal apology. (Try it! You might be surprised how good it feels, even if you have to sneak a touch in public.)
It’s all been quite healing, and now I can stand to look in the mirror in a new way.
Twenty two years ago, an intruder did more than just rape my body – his actions damaged my mind/body/soul connection, made me bury a whole lot of body hurt, and shattered the trust I place in my own sense of touch.
This summer – on my bicycle, in my weekend morning runs, in the way I connect with food – I’m working on healing those broken pieces. Like the song says in my last post, “I want to live where soul meets body”.
by Heather Plett | May 21, 2010 | body, journey
Body: Can you explain why you decided to force Hand and Mouth to finish that plate of food last night, even though we’d had enough to sustain us?
Mind: Well of COURSE we had to finish it. It’s not polite to leave a half-finished plate of food on the table!
Body: What do you mean it’s not polite? We were at a restaurant – they don’t care how much you eat as long as you pay the bill!
Mind: Yes, but… there were other people around. They might think we’re finicky if we don’t eat our food.
Body: Did you not notice that some of them left food on their plates?
Mind: Well I guess they’re just not as polite as we are.
Body: Or their minds actually know how to listen to their bodies! Imagine that.
Mind: No need to get snippy. I was just looking out for our best interests. After all – weren’t you sending me signals about how good it tasted?
Body: Oh yes, it tasted good, but the first few bites were good enough for enjoyment factor – you didn’t have to push right through to the end to enjoy the flavour.
Mind: You’re annoying. And hey – it was YOUR hand and mouth that were cooperating!
Body: Ummm… in case you haven’t noticed, they can’t do much without your direction.
Mind: Details, details.
Body: Maybe if you’d stopped forcing them to shovel food in at the speed of light, you would have noticed that the taste buds had dulled by the time the plate was half empty. I was TRYING to tell you it was time to stop.
Mind: Oh now you’re going to complain about how fast I eat. I can never satisfy you. I HAVE to eat fast, or She’ll catch on that you’re sending her a different message than I am and she’ll stop. That would never do.
Body: Why?
Mind: Well… don’t you remember back when we were young and we had to pile enough food on our plates so that our hungry older brothers wouldn’t take it all? I’m just trying to protect Her from the food running out.
Body: Newsflash: we’re not young anymore. AND… in the 44years we’ve been around, we’ve never run out of food, so why would we now?
Mind: You haven’t heard of the random food-snatchers who steal food from people’s plates in restaurants?
Body: Nope, never heard of them.
Mind: Well, you’d better watch out for them next time.
Body: So, what you’re telling me is that you’re eating out of fear of the food-snatchers?
Mind: You make it sound so silly. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was to help her feel better about all the sadness in her life, maybe it was because of the spiritual void – hey, I’m just trying to help!
Body: I know that, but maybe if you listened to me, we could help her together.
Mind: I doubt it. You’re always trying to get her to do stuff that’s ridiculous and tiring.
Body: Like last night after supper when I wanted to go for a bike ride and you convinced Her to lie around in front of the TV with more food?
Mind: Yeah, like that. What was up with that? Didn’t She deserve a little down time? She’d had a hard day with whiny kids and too much work pressure!
Body: Maybe you don’t realize, but that stuff she’s trying to work through? The sadness, the spiritual void? I could help her with that. A good bike ride is more spiritual than you think.
Mind: Don’t be ridiculous. She has to work that stuff out in her MIND! That’s what I’m here for.
Body: Yeah, but you try to work it out with food and mindless TV.
Mind: Blah, blah, blah. You’re getting on my nerves.
Body: Listen to me… if you don’t wise up, life could get very difficult for both of us.
Mind: Is that a threat? What are you going to do? You can’t even make your own mouth scream without my help.
Body: Oh, I have my ways of screaming without you. You know those illnesses that your smart doctors can’t figure out?
Mind: Yeah, they’re an endless source of frustration for my mind friends.
Body: Did you ever stop to think that those might be bodies trying to be heard?
Mind: Whatever! You’re not that smart without me.
Body: You might be surprised.
Mind: Okay, I’ve had about enough of this conversation. I’m putting us to sleep so I don’t have to think of this any more.
Note: If you want to know more about the ongoing conversation between my body and my mind, I have related posts up at Blisschick and Square Peg Reflections.
by Heather Plett | May 20, 2010 | Beauty, beginnings, birthday, body, fearless, growth, journey
Yes, it’s my birthday. It is with great relief that I say good-bye to last year and usher in a new one. Last year seemed to be the year of “refining” and in my experience, refining is rarely fun. I’m ready to move on!
The beauty of turning 44 is that you’ve reached an age where you care less and less about how silly you might look. Some day I’ll probably wear a purple dress with a red hat! 🙂 Or a Mardi Gras mask to work. (Darn – I wish I’d thought of that today!)
As a way of ushering in a new year, I want to make a new commitment to myself, and I’d like you to join me! Please raise your right and repeat with me the pledge of the Sisterhood of the Burning Bra:
As an esteemed member of the Sisterhood of the Burning Bra, I hereby commit to doing my best to do the following:
- commit to the fire the old stories that serve no other purpose but to shackle me
- listen more carefully to the wisdom of my body and honour it when it sends me signals related to hunger, fullness, rest, and movement
- not listen quite as carefully to the negative voices in my head that are usually lying to me
- giggle with glee when I feel like it
- make a confession when I have wronged someone and then believe that I am forgiven
- lean on my sisters around the circle and trust that they will offer compassion, wisdom, and courage
- let myself be guided into the place of power that the Creator makes available to me
- stand up more boldly and say “NO!” when people try to shovel unnecessary guilt on my shoulders
- wiggle my toes in the sand and be moved by the sense of touch
- honour the other sisters in the circle and offer them my giftedness
- dream really crazy big dreams
- not allow fear to hold a larger space in my life than it deserves
- wear Mardi Gras masks (or silly hats or mismatched socks) once in awhile, just for fun
- gently forgive myself for the times when I fail to live up to these commitments
- hold occasional rituals where I burn symbols of the things I want to let go of
Thank you for being in my circle! (And by the way, I welcome all brothers into the circle too! Some of you are my best allies and I don’t want to leave you out!)
For a couple of related posts, check out my guest posts at Square Peg Reflections and at Blisschick. I’m delighted to have been welcomed into their spaces on this special day!
by Heather Plett | May 19, 2010 | birthday parties, change, fearless, growth, journey, things I've learned, Uncategorized, women
I’m having a hard time putting into words what yesterday meant to me. None-the-less, I want to share it, even if the words fall short of the truth.
First there was the conversation with a coach/magician
After a full day of meetings (Aside: What the heck is going on? Meetings seem to have exploded all over my calendar lately! I can barely catch a breath!), I had a coaching call with Randi Buckley.
Honestly? I’ve been a little skeptical of the whole coaching movement. Any time anything becomes too trendy, I start sniffing it for snake oil and I tend to distance myself somewhat. Not that I don’t believe in coaching – I’ve taken several “coaching for leaders” workshops and have found them quite helpful – it’s just that trends often bring out the people who like to jump on the bandwagon and aren’t necessarily the genuine article. On top of that, hiring a life coach seems to have an element of narcissism that doesn’t sit well with me. (My apologies to my friends who are coaches or who hire coaches! You are all wise and wonderful, so I’m not talking about YOU!)
Needless to say, I’ve never worked with a coach, even though I know people who swear by it. But when I won Randi’s free sessions, I thought “why not approach it openly and welcome whatever might come of this?” Since it was free, I had nothing to lose.
Well, it turns out that Randi is the real deal. Seriously? I think she’s part magician. Or at least mystic. It wasn’t very long into our conversation that she started voicing things that she picked up in my words and energy that were so dead on they were scary. And with only a few well placed questions, she had me digging into demons, identifying the places where I deal with “imposter syndrome”, and voicing big crazy dreams I’d never dared whisper to anyone.
One of the things Randi encouraged me to do (which, I admit, I resisted at first) was to examine some of the negative voices in my life to find the truth hidden behind them. I didn’t realize how powerful that was until this morning when the real live negative voice (not just the ones in my head) I talked to her about made a significant energy shift and actually paid me the FIRST EVER compliment I have heard coming out of those lips – and all because I’d started the conversation with an acknowledgement of the wisdom that person had put into an email the day before.
Then there was the “Sisterhood of the Burning Bra” party last night.
Again and again, I am blown away by the incredible energy that a group of like-minded, open-hearted women can welcome into their space when they gather in a circle. There were fewer people in that circle last night than I expected, but they were the RIGHT people. (The gremlins wanted to convince me that people don’t really like me and hence hadn’t made my party a priority, but I banished those gremlins from the party pretty quickly and they had no choice but to whimper on the other side of the gate.) More importantly, they were MY people – the women who I know will always come into my circle when I need them, to share their warmth, strength, wisdom, and energy.
I felt a little silly about following through on my desire to burn my bra, but Michele built a lovely fire and the women who were there held me in such a safe space (not to mention cheered me on!) that I couldn’t resist. Before the bra was committed to the flame, I talked about what I was releasing and how I was newly committed to treating my body as a sacred space. And then we all watched it burn until there was nothing left but the underwire.
What came afterward was more than I could have dreamed of. Each of the women in the circle wrote whatever they wanted to release on a piece of paper and committed it to the flame. Fear, procrastination, regret, past hurts, and ego were all swallowed up by the fire. (Yes, there were pictures taken, but the files seem to have corrupted themselves in the downloading process, so you’ll just have to trust me.)
At the end of the night, I shared a little story of the necklace that hung around my neck that I’d just purchased. It’s a silver lizard. Martha Beck talks about the “lizard brain” – the part of our brains that lives in a world of “lack and attack”, where we are always tempted to focus on what we are lacking and what is attacking us. I am determined, in this next year of my life, to get better at the practice of silencing the lizard brain that keeps lying to me about my shortcomings and attacks – hence the reminder I wear around my neck.
Tomorrow marks the end of another year of gathering wisdom along this journey, and the beginning of another year of practicing to get it right.
by Heather Plett | May 17, 2010 | beginnings, birthday parties, fearless, growth, journey, Leadership, Passion, personality, Uncategorized
My birthday is coming up on Thursday, and since my dear friend Michele is throwing a little celebration in my honour tomorrow night (if you live close enough, YOU are welcome – at least, if you fit the “ladies only” profile), I’ve decided that this year I’m going to celebrate a whole BIRTHDAY WEEK instead of just one day! Yes, I’m feeling horribly narcissistic about the whole thing, but I figured I’ve done a fair bit of sacrificing in the past month or two, so it shouldn’t hurt to have a little balance in my life. Giggle.
Seriously though, I feel like this birthday week marks some pretty big growth for me. Those of you who are regular readers will know about some of the big challenges that have forced me to plunge a little deeper into my heart to find out just who it is that resides there and what the source and shape of her strength is. When we open ourselves to it, challenge and struggle will usher in growth and acceptance, and that’s what I’ve seen happening in my own life.
There have been some pretty significant breakthroughs for me in the last two weeks, in my relationship with my body, my relationship with my loved ones, my relationship with food, my relationship with the divine, and my relationship with the core of who I am created to be. As I wrote a few months ago when I was recovering from surgery, I’ve been feeling like a caterpillar who has to give up the life she knows, commit herself to the cocoon, and wait for the transformation to come.
I just learned recently that in the cocoon stage, caterpillars actually break down completely into a gooey gel-like substance that has no resemblance to either caterpillar or butterfly. We have to give it up – whatever we believe ourselves to be – in order to emerge into the beautiful creature we are meant to be.
It’s true, isn’t it, that we are never finished growing? I feel like a sculpture that is forever being molded in the Sculptor’s hands.
There’s a bubbling energy in me this week that feels a little like what the butterfly must feel when she has the dawning awareness that it’s time to break out of the cocoon. I feel strong in ways I didn’t expect to feel strong – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve been running, biking, praying, doing yoga – and a bunch of other little things that feel like they are helping me step into a new strength. The beautiful life-giving thing about it is, the more I step into this strength and share it with people around me, the more it is returned to me in affirming ways – like a lovely note from a cousin who’s heading out on a solo trip to the Grand Canyon and says it was partly inspired by what I write on this blog!
A month ago, when Marcel was in the hospital, I began to describe myself as a warrior because of the battles I had to fight as his advocate. And in a few weeks, I’ll be in a workshop at ALIA about “leaders as Shambala warriors”. I’ve never really thought of myself as a warrior before (maybe it’s my pacifist roots), and honestly, I often doubt myself as a leader because of some of the struggles I’ve had in this job that usually end up leaving me feeling like a failure. But something is shifting, and I’m trying to step into whatever it is that’s emerging.
No, this week is not about “look how great I am”. It’s more about “there is something powerful in what God is shaping my life to be and I want to celebrate the way I’m growing into it”.
Tomorrow night, our little celebration will include a bra-burning ceremony to mark the transformation to my body (through breast reduction surgery). In a strange and unexpected way, the surgery marked a turning point for me – a moment when I finally gave myself permission to want a new story for my body. It’s all been part of the metamorphosis process – letting go of old stories I tell myself and embracing new truths and new possibilities. I have learned to love myself in a new way since I let go of the weight that was cut off. I have learned to treat my body with new respect and gratitude (thanks in part to Geneen Roth’s book) and I am slowly becoming healthier for it. (I realize that might sound a little twisted – having plastic surgery to learn to love yourself – but it’s working for me.)
What I would really love is this… even though you might not be able to make it to the celebration tomorrow night, I’d be delighted if you would consider marking this week with me, on your blog, on Twitter, or just in the privacy of your own home.
Here’s what I’d like you to do… have a virtual “bra-burning” party! No, you don’t have to burn your bra (unless you want to!), but think of some old story you’re telling yourself about who you are (who you’re supposed to be by other people’s standards, what limits you, what you’re lacking, why you’re a failure), and burn it! Write it down on a piece of paper, light a candle, a lantern, or a big ol’ bonfire and BURN THAT SUCKER! Let it go! Give it up to the fire!
Do it in honour of my 44rd birthday, but more importantly, do it for you!
And take pictures, ’cause I’d love to see all that burnin’ energy!
by Heather Plett | May 12, 2010 | Creativity, dreaming, journey, savour, Uncategorized
It’s been an emotionally heavy month in an emotionally heavy year. Some days, it feels like my heart doesn’t know where to land anymore. I have been torn apart by some pretty significant work challenges, relationship challenges, leadership challenges, parenting challenges, marriage challenges, and any number of ordinary day-to-day life challenges.
It hasn’t all been bad, but sometimes it feels like I would do almost anything for just a bit of good news for a change, or just a few weeks of carefree, easy living.
With that in mind, when Jamie asked “what do you wish to experience” for this week’s Wishcasting Wednesday, I thought “oh my – it’s Spring, with Summer just around the corner – and I want to experience SO much of what is good and easy and light-hearted and beautiful in the world.”
I don’t need blow-your-mind big moments, I just need a good long series of simple, good things. So here are some of those things I wish to experience:
- A retreat. A few days of delicious, non-guilt-inducing, non-heavy-thinking, simple, refreshing retreat.
- A few dozen long, luxurious, wind-at-your-back bike rides, with or without companions.
- Some photo walks, where I get lost behind the lens, staring at bees landing on flowers, broken glass on the sidewalk, or the way the setting sun sets the leaves aglow.
- Campfires. A drink in hand, the ingredients for s’mores nearby, the crackling fire, and some of the easy people in my life relaxing in lawnchairs around the circle.
- Spontaneous beach days with my daughters. Sand between the toes, ice cream treats, sunshine.
- Quiet moments with a paintbrush and an idea, hiding in my studio/sanctuary.
- A road trip. Laughing in the car, stopping for snacks and pee-breaks, hours and hours of staring out the window.
- Time to write this idea that keeps burning in my brain.
- Lovely little Folk Festival moments – listening to music, hanging out with my sister, watching the dragonflies flutter past.
- Positive changes. Something shifting in the areas of my life that feel stuck. Emerging from this tunnel into the Summer sunshine.
- Connections. A few deep and honest conversations with safe people who wake me up to new truths.
- Rest. (Can we get back to that retreat? Oh how I long for it!)
- Mostly I just want to experience an easy stretch on this “journey” I’m on this year. A straight stretch of road, with lovely scenery where nothing jumps out on the road ahead of me and no storm clouds blur the view.
That’s enough for now. It doesn’t seem like too tall an order, does it?
