This is what I bought in Banff for Peanut, the yet-to-be-born baby of my sister and her hubby. It was too cute to resist. And too cute to hang onto until AFTER the baby is born. I might have been able to keep a secret, but the girls were ready to burst, so we gave it to them already.
August 8, 2003 started out like any other ordinary summer day. I’d started holidays the week before, so we were somewhat lazy that week. I had hopes of painting the house, but that could wait until later in the month, since I was planning to take 4 weeks off. The day before, we’d celebrated our tenth anniversary in style – dinner out at a fancy restaurant, and then a cultured evening at the theatre. Miss Saigon was playing in Winnipeg. It seemed a suitable way to celebrate 10 years of marriage. The next day found us still in great spirits after a rare night out with no kids and romance in the air.
My brother Dwight and sister-in-law Lorna dropped off their 2 boys at our place in the afternoon. They were staying with us while their parents attended a wedding. It was a treat having them around. It all seemed so ordinary. We had supper together, and then walked to 7-11 with all five kids in tow. Slurpees at the neighbourhood 7-11 was about as ordinary as a Friday evening could be.
What I didn’t know was that while we were filling our Slurpee cups with the flavours of our choice, my dad was lying in a ditch, breathing his last breath. When we got home from 7-11, we got the phone call that changed my life. First it was the jumbled, frantic voicemails from Mom saying something about a horrible accident, then it was the call from h8s2cln (my sister-in-law), the only person Mom was able to reach, saying Mom was following the ambulance to the hospital in Neepawa. Then, while I scrambled to pack a bag with underwear and a change of clothes, Marcel spoke to the woman at the hospital. Dad was gone. They hadn’t been able to revive him.
My knees buckled under me and Marcel tried to hold me up. “No, no, no!” I screamed. This couldn’t be! My Dad couldn’t just be gone like that – while we were having Slurpees! It was just so wrong!
We broke the news to the kids, and I raced out of the house. At the ball diamond, I picked up my sister ccap, we ran into each other’s arms and buried our faces in each other’s shoulders. We were fatherless daughters. What did that mean? The pain gripped our throats with unfamiliar fingers.
It was the hardest ride of our lives – travelling across the prairies to the farm which now held no farmer. We wept, we gasped, we pleaded for God to let it be a dream. While we drove we watched the dark angry storm clouds rise above the prairie, the sun’s last rays stabbing them with orange light.
Dad died under a baler. In a freak accident that we’ve tried hard to understand, he walked behind the tractor and baler while stopped in a ditch, and it began to roll downhill, crushing him and tearing open his back as it did. As hard as it was (and still is) to accept, in many ways, it was the right way for him to die. He never wanted to get old. He wanted to farm until the day he died. He wanted to die the same way he had lived – out on the prairie with the sky above him and the earth beneath him.
This year, August 8 saw us driving across the prairies heading for Alberta. Though the sight of a round bale in the ditch can still make me wince, and a glimpse of an old farmer hunched over the steering wheel of a small tractor can bring stinging tears to my eyes, my heart still finds joy on the prairie. I still delight in the sight of round bales dotting the landscape, and a field of wheat still makes me feel I’ve come home.
It wasn’t always easy being my dad’s daughter. Many of the things he did in my lifetime brought pain to my life. Growing up, it was often hard to believe that his children were more important than his farm or his animals. He never was the type of father who showed up for baseball games or school presentations. He left most of the parenting up to mom. Sometimes, I hated him for that.
The hate mellowed, though, over the years. When he died, I could only think of all the things I loved about him – his wisdom, his sense of humour, his deep spirituality.
About 10 years ago, I wrote this poem about my dad. I wrote it right around the time that I was becoming a parent – when I was grappling with some of the issues that I still struggled with about the way I’d been parented. I never showed it to dad – I wasn’t sure if he’d be flattered or insulted. Now, looking back, it was rather eerily prophetic.
Father
I know a man
who fights the Prairie
like a Kamikaze warrior
Death at the hands of the enemy
is the shortest distance to god
He writes his anger
in furrows of blood
and chants his lament
in trenches of pain
The Prairie laughs
as it tortures him
with bullets of hail
and red blades of fire
He comes so close to god
(I hated you
that spring
you made me fight it with you
Rising from our beds
to drag half-dead cattle
from icy water
to watch them die
on higher ground)
I know a man
who caresses the Prairie
like a Shakespearean lover
Death in the arms of a mistress
is the shortest distance to ecstasy
He writes his poetry
in long sonnets
of barley and hay
and sings his songs
in wheatfields of gold
The Prairie laughs
as it kisses him
with tender raindrops
and purple rays at sunset
He comes so close to ecstasy
(I loved you
that summer
you let me caress it with you
Sitting on your lap
on that old John Deere
your large hand
over my small one
as we plowed black soil
and planted the seed)
This is him – the man of the prairies. It’s been two years now, and the pain can still steal my breath away some days.
Yup, it was a good day. A very good day. We headed to Banff with Mom and her hubby. On the way, it rained a bit and threatened to be a miserable day, but when we got to the mountains, the sun broke through the clouds and stuck around until we left. It was a little cool, but the perfect day for wandering around.
Here are some of the highlights…
– a picnic lunch of ham sandwiches and Mom’s potato salad (oh, and the cheetos and pepsi we “stole” from bbb and h8s2cln. Oops – I guess I just confessed! Thanks for that- we owe you one.)
– hiking in Johnson canyon, climbing on the rocks, going through the tunnel to see the waterfall, watching the kids get close to the very friendly ground squirrels
– swimming (or more like lounging lazily) in the Sulpher Hot Springs
– shopping with the girls – candy store for Julie & Maddie, and, of course, clothing store for Nikki
– finding the most AWESOME gift for a certain baby who will arrive in October (nope, can’t tell you what it is, ’cause the parents of said baby read this blog! nya-nya!)
– supper at Athena Pizza. No, not amazing food, but it was easy, reasonably priced, and close to where our vehicle was parked.
– wandering around Bow Falls
– showing everyone where I spent a summer as a chambermaid (worst job in the WORLD – do you KNOW how bad I am at cleaning?) at Douglas Fir Resort
– just having a comfortable day with Mom and her hubby, no tensions, easy conversation, and pleasant moods
– watching the sun set over the mountains as we drove back to Calgary. It was rather breathtaking, with grey clouds moving in over bright sparks of orange sun. Perfect end to a great day.
This morning, the kids are at the wrap-up/family day for vbs. Marcel, bbb, and Mom are there with them. h8s2cln is muttering about patterns and fabric as she begins to sew her kids “first day of school”outfits. I’m doing “end of vacation” laundry. All is right with the world.
Tomorrow we leave for home. It’s been a happy vacation. We are refreshed.
I don’t mind admitting when I’m wrong, especially when being wrong brings about a better set of circumstances than being right.
At the moment, Mom is in h8s2cln’s kitchen with her hands in the bun dough, and Maddie is next to her “helping” her make buns. There are very happy sounds coming out of the kitchen. Grandma’s explaining her every move and Maddie’s hoping to add water to the dough. Maddie to Grandpa Paul “I’m gonna make my OWN bun and then I’ll make YOU one.”
It’s all good – REAL good! Yesterday, despite my dire predictions, Mom and her hubby showed up with their camper. They’re hanging out here with us, and we’re going to the mountains tomorrow! AND it’s nice and sunny out despite the weatherman’s prediction for more rain. Yay! The vacation is back on track, with just a few minor modifications.
Whew!
We were supposed to go to the mountains today to camp with my Mom and her husband, but it’s rainy, miserable weather, so the camping trip’s been cancelled. I’m feeling all conflicted today. I don’t mind staying longer with h8s2cln and bbb, but I’m sorry we won’t get to hang out with Mom, and I REALLY don’t want to leave Alberta without seeing the mountains. The girls will be happy they don’t have to miss vbs, though.
Mom wants us to come visit them at her husband’s place – the place he’s supposed to be selling so that he can move to Manitoba with Mom – but I know we won’t easily be able to drag the kids away from here, so I tried to get her to come here instead. Don’t think they will though. She sounded so sad on the phone.
Life is complicated sometimes. As much as I want to see Mom, I also want to make my kids happy, and staying here with their cousins is what they want. So I’m torn.
I know this is not much of a blog, but I felt like writing it anyway. The stuff that I won’t write much about though, is the stuff that’s bubbling beneath the surface – the stuff that gets so complicated when your Mom marries again.
I just have a few minutes on a computer before I go out for a movie or coffee with h8s2cln. Thought I’d drop by to give a short trip report – it’s been great so far! It started off a little rough – everyone was fighting the morning we left, and the pessimistic side of my brain thought “oh great! We’ll be snarking at each other all the way to Alberta!” And then Maddie threw up on the carpet when I was trying to pack. Yeah, a great morning all in all! But once we got on the road, everyone relaxed, and before long we were having lots of fun. Here are a few brief highlights…
1. Stopping in Souris, wandering across a long suspension bridge – I think it’s either the longest in Manitoba or in Canada. After that, we picniced in the park and the kids played in the playground.
2. When we got to Weyburn, we found out there were fireworks that night across from the hotel. We scouted out a great spot and watched the show.
3. My presentation at the Wheat Fest ecumenical service went really well. I quite enjoy public speaking. It was just a short presentation, and too close to the end of a long service (the crowd was getting a bit restless), but it was fun none-the-less.
4. Another picnic in a road-side park somewhere in Saskatchewan. Maddie peed in the bush and then spent most of the time dancing around in the grass with a naked butt. Oh the joy of being three.
5. We spent a night at our friends Julie and Bruce’s near Brooks, Alberta. Julie is my oldest friend – well, not the OLDEST, but she’s been my friend since I was about a year old – longer than anyone. We spent a good part of Monday hanging out with them at Dinosaur Park, wandering around the canyon which is like a smaller version of the grand canyon. Hiking, checking out the archaeology exhibits (dinosaur bones), ice cream, playground – what a great day! Their three boys are very close to the ages of our three girls. Maddie developed a huge crush on 9 year old Kyle. Last night, when I tucked her in bed she said “I liked the older boy. I think I have a crush on him.” And then she giggled. 🙂
6. I think there are only one or two people who’d stay up late with me and get all obsessive about sewing costumes for the kids. Thanks h8s2cln – it was a hoot! Our kids and their cousins were going to a day camp/vbs Tuesday morning, and the theme was 50s, so guess who decided to sew 4 circle skirts! And because sewing ONLY skirts would not be nearly enough for our obsessive costume-making brains, we sewed appliques to t-shirts (5, since B got one too), and made matching bandanas. Look for pictures on a blog near you. Tomorrow they’re clowns, but thankfully h8s2cln already has enough of those costumes. If I’m up until 1:00 tonight, I DON’T want it to be because I’m sewing!
7. Since all 5 kids went to vbs, and h8s2cln and bbb were at work, Marcel and I had a morning alone to finally celebrate our anniversary. Breakfast at Ricky’s and then a few hours alone in the house. One word – JACUZZI! And no, you DON’T need any more details than THAT! Let’s just say, 12 years and we’ve STILL GOT IT, BABY!
8. Oh, and one other thing I forgot to mention – the girls were great in the car! We weren’t sure how it would go, since this was the first road trip with the car, and hence less room than the van. But they really impressed us with their patience. Don’t ask me why, but their favourite game was playing ping-pong with Maddie’s head. The strangest thing is it was MADDIE’s favourite too!
9. Oh, and miles and miles of prairies. A particularly beautiful view given the amount of moisture that’s fallen this year, and the fact that many crops are ready for harvest. Breathtaking. Especially the sunflowers stretching toward the sun.
More to come – the mountains tomorrow, camping with Mom and her hubby. See ya!