by Heather Plett | Apr 16, 2010 | Uncategorized
I wish I could talk more honestly about what’s going on, because I so badly need an outlet, but I can’t for various reasons. That kind of writing will have to remain in my private journal. And yet I know that there are many of you who have learned to care about me deeply, as I care for you, and I’m sure you want me to at least be honest when I am dealing with pain.
Life is really, really hard right now. Honestly, I’m at the point where I’m starting to fear hope, because each time it pokes its head through the clouds, lightning strikes even harder than it did the last time, and I’m left reeling on the ground. The day before yesterday will go down in my personal history as one of the five darkest days of my life.
Let me just say this:
– Hospitals make me crazy.
– Trying to be strong for my kids when my world is falling apart requires a dose of courage that can only come from a source bigger than me.
– The health care system is profoundly broken and there are a lot of people in it who have become cynical and defensive. There are many victims in a broken system, not least of which are the patients and their families.
– There are too many incompetent people in jobs they shouldn’t have – maybe because competent people don’t want to work in broken systems.
– I have learned to advocate in situations where I never dreamed I’d have to.
– I can’t imagine life without friends and family. They lend me strength when all of mine is gone.
– There must be a lot of prayers and good wishes propping me up, because I have managed to be stronger than I believe I am.
– Shared pain (like when you wrap your arms around a sibling whose beloved is experiencing greater pain than anyone should have to bear – in the very same hospital, no less) is agonizing but bittersweet.
I know, deep down, that this too shall pass and we will emerge stronger than we were before. We are alive and we will survive. We have a history that reminds us of that. But it’s not easy hanging onto that, when the lightening bolt has just hit and you’re afraid to get up for fear of it coming again.
Your prayers are welcome. For those who wish to email me, please feel free. Kind words are always welcome. (And in case you’re worried that we don’t have a strong support system close to us, you can put your mind at ease. We do. Thank you to those who are part of it.)
by Heather Plett | Apr 12, 2010 | Uncategorized
There are things going on in my family right now that I can’t blog about. Hard things. The kind of things that require of me that I dig for reserves of strength and patience and compassion I don’t always believe I have.
Bear with me during this silence. And if you are so inclined, please pray for healing and strength. And a future that reveals the beauty and growth that can come from the depths of pain and disappointment.
by Heather Plett | Apr 5, 2010 | Uncategorized
Yesterday Marcel was talking about how he needed to put together some Spring collages and/our video montages of photos to help inspire the students in the photography elective he’s teaching at school. Maddie jumped up and said “I can help you Dad!” Shortly thereafter, Marcel and I went out for coffee/chai and didn’t think much more of it.
When we got home, Maddie bounded out of bed because she HAD to show Dad what she’d created for him before she could drift off to dreamland. Here’s her work of art. (She wanted to add talking bubbles to the geese, but ran out of time.)
I just love how little hesitation there is in her when it comes to creativity. She never questioned whether or not she knew how to create a collage, never hesitated when it came to using software she didn’t really understand, never worried that the photos she was selecting were good enough, and never doubted that her dad would love the final product.
It seems I have a lot to learn from the bold creativity of an eight year old.
by Heather Plett | Mar 29, 2010 | Uncategorized
Today was my first day back at work and this is one of the first things I read…
???“A World Bank report found that gender violence was the cause of more ill-health among women and girls than malaria and traffic accidents combined.
“Another WHO report showed that, in some countries, up to nearly 70% of women report having been physically assaulted, and up to 47% report that their first sexual intercourse was forced. Surveys of villages in India showed that 70% of women had suffered at least two forms of physical violence in domestic abuse, and 16% of all deaths during pregnancy are from domestic abuse. Studies from Peru report that about 40% of girls will be victims of rape or attempted rape by the age of fourteen. 70% of HIV infected women and girls in South Africa report having been forced to have sex. AIDS education does little to help women and children who are contracting the virus from forced sexual encounters.” (From a lecture by Gary A. Haugen at the University of Chicago)
We still have so far to go.
by Heather Plett | Mar 26, 2010 | journey, navel-gazing, Uncategorized
I’ve been feeling a little tender these past few days. In more ways than one.
After a surprisingly quick healing process the first week after surgery, I was expecting to stay on the same trajectory, but, sadly, that didn’t happen. I guess I hit a plateau. I can’t say I feel much better today than I did a week ago. Sigh.
Part of the problem is that feeling as good as I was a week ago, there started to be a few too many reasons to leave the cocoon on the couch. Buying a van, visiting the bank to finance that van, picking up that van, doing the taxes (which was about 2 hours of weeping – those forms make me feel stupid at the best of times and this was definitely NOT the best of times), driving kids places, taking daughter to a follow-up appointment with her surgeon, going to my own follow-up appointment with the surgeon, going to a band concert, taking daughter shopping for panty hose for that concert, cooking meals … the usual expectations of being a parent. It’s hard to set them all aside, even when you’re trying to heal. I thought I was getting enough rest in between, but I’m not sure that was really the case. I’m still feeling some pain and the exhaustion isn’t going away very quickly.
Last weekend, I’d honestly thought that this would be a lovely, relaxing week, in which I’d have the energy and space and emotional presence to do some writing and painting. I thought the creative muse would visit, but she didn’t. Instead, it’s been a week of frustration – of trying to hang on to stability with my fingernails.
The emotional tenderness was the most unexpected. The concerted effort it takes not to snarl or weep when someone says the wrong thing (or almost anything at all, for that matter). The ache in my heart when my husband told me I’d been rather mean to him the last few days. The flipping and flopping of yesterday’s post.
This morning, after driving the kids to school and rescuing my husband who’d left his keys at home, I climbed into the bathtub. Before I knew it, the tears were flowing. I wept for about half an hour – for no particular reason I could put a finger on.
It’s possible that this is just the residual effect of being under a general anaesthetic for over three hours, but I have a feeling it’s combined with a few other things.
Perhaps the body simply needs to grieve the pieces it has lost.
Perhaps the soul still needs to heal from the rawness that this past year of challenge has brought.
Perhaps the chrysallis, changing from caterpillar to butterfly in the cocoon, is not simply resting but is experiencing the pain of change.
It’s hard, isn’t it? When there are people in your life expecting you to be present in their lives and kind to them and doing the laundry and giving space to their pain – to find enough quiet space to let healing and transformation happen.
In the meantime though, I can hardly express how good it felt to have so many of you say “me too!” in yesterday’s post. Thank you for being tender with me in my tenderness.
p.s. I can’t stop listening to “It’s been a long day” by Rosi Golan, thanks to a recommendation from a Twitter friend, @newagejalopy. It’s perfect.
by Heather Plett | Mar 25, 2010 | Uncategorized
Flip… I believe I am a good writer and that I have a lot to offer. This blog is an interesting place for people to hang out.
Flop… I am convinced I’m wasting my time and should just step aside and let the REAL writers do their thing. This blog is a boring waste of time.
Flip… I can’t believe how lucky I am to have so many good friends and connections with amazing, creative people all over the world.
Flop… I must be a horribly uninteresting person because everybody seems to be having fun with each other and forgetting to invite me.
Flip… I am a creative person and I have so many worthwhile ideas and the capacity to inspire people in their creativity.
Flop… There are way more creative people in the world than me and I shouldn’t waste my time trying to fit in.
Flip… I’m doing a good job at being a mother and I’m giving my kids a healthy space to grow into interesting, unique, and independent individuals.
Flop… I am such a lousy mother – my kids have to dig through laundry baskets for clean socks AND I feed them way too much trashy food. Every OTHER mother has a spotless home and wholesome goodies waiting for their kids when they come home from school.
Flip… I have a great idea for a book and lots of people will love it when they read it. It’s meant to be shared because people will be inspired by it.
Flop… Who am I trying to kid? This idea is stupid and that must mean that I am stupid because I fooled myself into thinking it was a good idea.
Flip… I’m intelligent and well-learned and I can carry on interesting conversations with almost anyone.
Flop… I’m not nearly as smart as most of the people I know and I really suck at starting conversations. No wonder people are ignoring me.
Flip… I have a great capacity for connecting with people in different cultures in other parts of the world.
Flop… I really screw up a lot of relationships and people find me rather unapproachable. They’re just pretending to like me because they’re so gracious.
Flip… I am a good leader. My authenticity, honesty, vision, creativity, and drive make me an easy person for a team to follow.
Flop… I’m screwing up big time and the fact that there is resistance from some members of my team must mean that I’m a failure at leading them.
Flip… I am good at finding balance in my life. I don’t stress out too much about a messy house when it’s more important to rest, and I find ways of fitting “me time” in between the time I give to others.
Flop… I am lazy and selfish and all of my relationships are suffering because of it. OTHER people have full time jobs and kids and yet their houses are still spotless and they don’t waste so much time reading and playing.
Flip… I am okay with my body, even though it’s not as slender as I’d like it to be. I live a fairly healthy lifestyle and get regular exercise.
Flop… I’m fat and lazy and should be ashamed of how little exercise I get. This ugly body should be hidden under baggy clothes.
Ever have one of those days?
